Growing up kids

It is now an absolute certainty that I am a divorcee and the children are all under my custody. Recently I read in the newspaper about this 12 years old Bi-Anne who is in between the two parents and both side has a story. What would be the outcome ? Who knows and how will it affect all the three persons, it surely will but to what extend, I can't be sure. There are many assumption, if she lives with her mum in London, she will probably grow up in a different environment, receive different educational system, on the other side, if she lives with her dad, what would be the environment as the dad said in the newspaper, he lives in Jinjang and his lifestyle and environment is associated with gangsterism even though he was not involved. Good luck to them !

Another friend who is not in good relationship with the wife, is going through temporary separation. I asked him what is the motive of your wife taking the children away ? He answered, is the ultimate term that he should come back to her. Will one just say ok and go back to the marriage ? Can anyone think beyond all and sacrifice for the sake of the children ? To continue to live in an estranged relationship for the sake of the children ? It's tough and not easy and in my case, I think it is easier, one party decided firmly and left no alternative for at all.

I have three growing up kids, they have been through with me since 2007 separation. These days kids are much more matured that you think. They can sense what is happening in the family and they cope with it. It is now coming to 4 years, I often asked myself can I carry on this life, a life that is healthy for them, educating them the right way ? Am I good enough to guide them to be successful ? Can I do it ? What if I fail, what would happen to them ?

When this thought comes by, I fear and fear even more ! I also tell myself there is only so much you can do ! Don't push yourself too much ! I had my relative who told me she decided to be a housewife as her salary would not be enough to pay for the maid and other expenses, her choice is to stay at home and give the children the motherly love. Hearing this, I began to think if my children are getting enough love and attention from me ? How much can a single mum handle work and kids together ? I must be honest that it is not easy at all, I have my limits and when they get too loud or overly hyper, I need them to stop. It is very confusing at times, when they are so happy, rejoicing and playing together but I told them to slow down, am I stopping them to be happy ? Is this right ?

Just some of my thoughts and I feel the kids are doing ok....they are growing up to be more understanding !

Love you all kids !

Once you get yourself stable, you can reach out !

This is something I read in the paper today and it means a lot. When one person has to deal with life situation that occurred unexpectedly, a death, a dream shattered or the family is broken, to get over the reality is not about 1 - 2 months, in fact the timing is unknown.

This quote "Once you get yourself stable, you can reach out" is a reminder to me! Am I stable with my situation ? Sometimes I feel yes but why do I still hug my pillow and cry sometimes ? Am I not over yet ? I am also confused with my state of mind. I feel I have walked out of this dark shadow and ready to reach out which I think I have, and I have stand tall, chin up to face the society. Maybe I put up a brave front as I know there is no better way to deal with it.

Life goes on and I choose a new life that is full of energy, happiness and great health. I reminded myself that my children depended upon me to be a good mom and I have to move on. Seriously only if you are in my shoes you will understand how to deal with 3 kids. Kids being kids they are inquisitive, mischievous and not all time mommy's good kids, they drive me up the wall when they are not obedient. What I am trying to say is I need a breather.

A breather is necessary for me otherwise I will become cynical and emotional unstable. I mean it is serious because at times I wonder if I am suffering from mild depression. I am just over sensitive I think, and I am not. Maybe because I am just stressed and a bit under the weather since few days back.

Conclusion is...I am stable but occasionally still quite disturb by the life situation. I have a life to deal with and it is my life and not depended on someone to deal with it on my behalf. I can share it but I shouldn't expect someone to shoulder it for me.

And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years

~ Abraham Lincoln

All I know is this is a life long journey...LIVE Life, LAUGH a lot, LOVE forever.

Metta to all who loves me :)

So lonely

I had just returned from a great vacation, to places that I have always wanted to and I went without the kids, it is like a breather for me. The 10 days away has been great and challenging too, it is not easy to get into one's life and get adjusted immediately. When we are on vacation, it is a different experience as we are relaxed. But when one has a routine and work, it will take some efforts for both.

Now that I am back and started to work immediately, I hadn't had time to recover from the traveling and it is quite tiring actually. On top of that, I miss my children who are away at my hometown. They are having great time as always...

While I am so lonely coming home every night into a "quiet home", I wonder they would think of me too. My daughter called me she said, Mom, the TV said Kuala Lumpur will have shower and thunder...please be careful.

I miss them....they are what I am missing most of the time.

My birthday

My birthday is just around the corner and this year I will be away from home. My thoughtful daughter knew that I will not be celebrating with them and felt sad about it. Therefore, she kinda planned this advance celebration with my sister. So sweet of her. She even planned that I should go away during dinner that allows her time to get me a birthday cake....hahahaha !

It was a simple Chinese dinner at one of my favorite restaurants in One U. I ordered Mee Sua which is a dish that traditionally symbolizes longevity...as I am getting older, I also believe in traditions and culture...

My sweetie girl even thought of what kind of gift to get for me...how can I not love them ! Guess what...the lovely present is a kiss from her.

Thank you my precious..

Happy moments

I just spent two quality days with my children..

We decided to stay away from home during this long break, and instead of traveling further to South or North, it was just a short trip away @ Putrajaya Shangri-la. The hotel is quiet and the pool is almost ours...

When we first checked in..heavy rain and I was very disappointed as our plan to be by the pool to celebrate Joelle's birthday will not be possible. Thankfully the sun came back after 30 minutes and we couldn't waste any more time, head straight to the pool. We have late lunch by the pool and lots of great fun.

This is not my first trip to Putrajaya, but always for work and never stayed there later than 5 pm, and this time I drove around and surprisingly, the feeling is great. I didn't feel as if I was in KL or near KL. It is a city by itself very distinctive feature, different landscape, architecture and road as compared to where we live.

We had dinner at the famous Putrajaya Seafood Restaurant which is right across our hotel at the Taman Botanic, the food is just average and not value for money though!

This morning, we explored one of the many parks in the city. I realise the park in front of the hotel is actually just across the PM's office..if only you have a house across the street, you can walk to work. The park is nicely landscape but lack the maintenance especially the ponds and fountain sadly.

We spent another 2 hours by the pool just before we checked out, everyone had great time. It is all worth it..a great family outing.

Sharing my life with my children

I have been thinking of this and it is something that I need to share with the children.

My life and my marriage situation with my children. My son seems to know that we will divorce eventually. And he asked me if we are divorced? The status is the divorce should conclude by end of the year I think.

My eldest daughter said to me, "Mom since papa is no longer here, I don't want to talk about him and I will feel sad and you too." And I told them we have to move on with life and even papa has also moved on.

This issue is very tricky and it is not a one time talk sought of. It is something that we need to talk over and over again as we face life and changes. I share with them the important of feeling being loved, and they comforted me that they felt the love from me, and I have to love them even more as I am alone now, and in return they will love me very much.

I hope to have my children's understanding and support as we continue this life journey. My children actually accepted that they no longer will see their papa. They are great kids !

My love

I am actually very tired and it has been a long day, meeting till almost 10 pm, but my mind and hands are eager to write this post.

Actually this is nothing interesting or exciting but it is all about my love - 3 precious children.

A moment ago, the baby came to me, just step out from my room, sucking her thumb, her messy hair all over, looking extreme blurred and walked to me. She woke up and realised I am not in the room. All I did was cuddle her in my arms, brushed her messy hair aside so that I can see her little angel face clearer. And just to kiss her little forehead, and feel her warm in my arm.

The two older one are equally my darlings..they know how much I love them, and why do I care so much and been fierced to them. All three are devils and angels, how can I don't love them. No affirmation needed, I know my love for them is real and so true!

Just a short post..but it is all about my love!

Treats for children

Whenever I am out with the kids in the weekends, I must say my children are not demanding and pampered with toys and etc. But most of the times, whenever they asked for something like books and toys, I will give it to them.

Seems like I am pampering them right ?? I don't want to pamper them neither I will give in always. But the fact is, now I am a single parent, I feel sad for my kids, just imagine before that, they turn to their father to ask for things when they failed to ask from me or vice versa ! I know what is like when I was young, if I want something from my mom, when I was refused, I know where to turn to and that is my father.

So nowadays, whenever they want something, I will do whatever I can to fulfill their request. Because there is no one for them to "manja" and if I say "NO" it is the final answer.

I am blessed with understanding children that if I have to say "NO" to them, I will reason it out with them why no, and when I promise them something, I will deliver.

It is not easy as a single mom. I need to discipline them, can't spoil them, and need to love them all. It can be the torn between two situations...

I think whatever I am doing with them, it is all out of love :)

The future of parents

This morning the Star highlighted abandoned old folks by their children. They are left at the general hospital and never taken home after that.

My son told me "Mom, so many left abandoned, the children don't take care of their parents" and I asked him," will this happen to mom?" he replied, "No, it won't". I feel a sense of relief though, but he is only 10 years old, will he remember this phrase that he once spoken ?? As they grow up, living in the society and environment that advances and evolving, their thinking might change due to unforeseen circumstances, it is really no guarantee.

I guess I should plan my retirement without children. Hahaha...the bonus is I have 3, maybe out of three one will be happy to have me !

Comparing to those without kids, will they have to worry about this ?? Or they may have fear of being lonely at old age?? For those with children, they have different set of worries, kids mixing the bad company, kids not filial to them, left the parents for a life on their own ?

My future with the kids.....I only pray that no matter how difficult to walk through this life, I can bring them up successfully in a happy environment they deserve to have ! The rest, I leave it to the universe to take care !

With metta to all :)

Will they move on their own ???

When I went into the bathroom, the house was quiet as the kids are still out in school for extra curriculum activities. About 10 minutes later, the house is screamingly noisy with their noises, playing "Beat it" and singing along, jumping on my bed and rolling all over !

And I beginning to think, the noise is getting me a bit crazy, and on the contrary if the house is completely quiet if they don't live with me, will I be as happy still without them around me ? I brushed off the idea of stopping them from having the monkey fun time jumping on the bed. Their laughter and giggling sound actually make me happy at times (only)...lol !


I asked them, if I don't tell them what to do, eg. it is time to shower, it is time to get ready and get dressed for classes and etc. Will they move on their own ? My eldest daughter answered very fast, no, I won't ! My son said I will but it takes 10 minutes later to do it.

As a mom now, I remember when I was a kid, we are so used to being told to do this, to do that. Is this something we repeat generation over generation, or it is just my kids that needed this attention all the time. Maybe they are still young, and they are not the time keeper. Naturally, I am the one to push things moving !

I like my kids to be independent and it is time to let them take up little responsibility..

Just my thought in the morning !

Have a good weekend :)

The father

The children have been talking about their father on and off...

This is something that I can't stop them from doing, it is the only memory that they have about their father. At times when I am down, I wished that they don't talk about him, but I know very well I can't erase this memory from them. That's all they have of their father. The best and the last thing they remember of him is still the funny and happy Papa.

I am sure they think of him every now and then perhaps not on daily basis, honestly I have been selfish in this case, I don't want to ask them about him, because I feel the subtle approach of forgetting him would be better for them. I know my son actually cried thinking of him, he misses him. He is the one that remembers him very well, the father and son thingy...

Whenever they talked about him, they are so happy and joyful reminiscing the happy times they had with him.

Though the marriage has come to an unpleasant ending for the family, I will only cherish the good times we had. Similarly like my unpretentious children, I shall keep the rough days away from my memories.

Children is so pure, they are innocent.

with metta :)

Movies

I have been thinking about movies lately and I know my kids enjoy going to the cinema. Especially the baby, she knows nothing but pop corn when we talk about movie outing....lol.

Of late since the H1N1, I have not been to the cinema and in fact I would stay away too. Actually I promised my daughter to bring her to watch Hannah Montana Movie, but I have postponed the outing, and told her that I have to "support" pirated DVD. And now, my son is interested to watch Transformers, revenge of the fallen, seems like a good movie, and everyone tells me only good review. Then again, I am not too keen and I have more reasons for it.

Firstly, I am not very much into this sort of action movie. In the past, I usually will choose movie that I like and action packed movie will be the father and son thingy. Now, I guess I have no choice but to like or at least show some enthusiasm in action movie....sigh! I feel there is a need for that for bonding sake between me and my son.

I don't want my son to grow up very girlish like the sisters, very Barbie or Hannah Montana or High School Musical type...

Well, one of the things to do for the weekend....catch up with the first Transformers movie...

Wish you all a great productive week ahead !

With metta :-)

Prince Siddhartha The Musical

For the very first time, I have watched this musical and I have watched it twice.

The first time about 10 years ago, they had their very first performance and I think that time I was so involved with my new born child, so I had not gone for it, also partly I wasn't so religious during that time. Some how, at the right time in life, God knows what is necessary for us to learn, and we are able to receive and accept the guidance.

I often find myself doing something unplanned and it is very spontaneously done. I remember while I was working at the Shah Alam Stadium as the pre opening team. The Venerable Master Hsing Yun was visiting and the dhamma propagation event took place. It was a huge affair and I took refuge to Buddha, Dhamma and Sangha together with many on that night in May 1997.

When I was a kid, I am not well exposed to religion even when I was in secondary, I do not join any religious society like some of my classmates. I was more active in Interact Club, English Society and Computer Club. I am a free thinker but more of a Taoist then. I pray to Nine Emperor's God and still do. I have been observing vegetarian for 9 days since I was a kid and will continue as long as I can.

Recent past 2 years, I felt my spiritual path is strengthen especially. I used to go to temple with my family and it has been a norm for us to visit temple on Wesak Days and eve of New Year. Since the day my life turned upside down..I went to the seek the advice and blessing from the Ven Chief Dhammaratana, my devotion towards the understanding of dhamma has significantly increased.

I was never religious and I don't attend any formal dhamma teaching about Buddhism, but I hold on to the teaching and practise the precepts. And I must also thank friends who share the same spiritual interest and helped me. I have a friend who often shared about Buddhism on his blog and reading it made me understand it better. He has helped me..thanks !

I went for the first show last Sunday all alone....another new experience for me. I have never been to any show all alone...I think soon, I will walk to the cinema for a movie without any friend...hahahaha ! I heard of this show almost more than one month and couldn't think of anyone who would be interested to join me. Thus, I have forgotten about it completely. And coincidentally I was at FGS as usual on Sunday morning, my good friend asked me if I am interested to go for the show, she said tickets are available but I can't sit with her as she had bought her tickets much earlier.

I thought about it, what is wrong watching it alone, it is about me appreciating the show..and musical is not something that you talk to someone as you are watching it. I decided and I bought the ticket. With no regret, I enjoyed it so much, I was a bit emotional especially the beginning of the show, even my daughter and my sister felt it too tonight.

So, I decided that my children should be given an opportunity to learn this great teaching of Buddha through the musical way. I am glad they enjoyed it so much. It has helped them to understand karma, the cycle of life of any beings. Mostly important, I hope they will appreciate the dedication and hard work of the volunteers and me (hehe) to teach and drive them respectively on every Sunday.

When they grow up, they have their choice of religion and I just want to instill the right teaching towards their moral behaviour from young and to understand and appreciate life in a better way.

Since this is the final show, I managed to get the autograph from the main cast, and more excitedly is, I also asked for the autograph and photo taken with my most respected lady who shares her beautiful voice with me in my daily chant. Her voice lives in me when I am happy and sad and she is Ms. Imee Ooi and finally the producer of the show ~ Ms. Ho Lin Huay !

Sadhu Sadhu Sadhu ~ for all the work well done.

With Metta always !

Emotional moments with my children

I didn't expect this !

I was with my children to collect their school report card, and my son for the very first time, failed one paper which is Chinese Essay writing. Other subject he did ok but need to improve. As for my daughter, she done averagely for standard One and I hope she could do better too.

My expectation from the children is to do well in their school..and be a well mannered children. They are great kids at least I have not heard bad comments about them :)

I had to juggle between the meet the teacher sessions for both, and I had to rush back to work, and some issues to settle urgently, so it was a bit rush rush for me. What hit me was, seeing so many children walking with "both parents" and suddenly my son said to me "Mom, I know how you feel, you have to manage two sessions, it is not easy". So I told him, "please sit there and wait for your turn, don't walk away otherwise another parent will take over the queue" !

As we were walking home, I was taking to them about their result, which I really hope they will improve in the next term.

When I was praying before I left for work, I suddenly felt weak and emotional and I started crying...don't know why, I just couldn't control my emotions. I feel sad and lost for that moment, not knowing what to do with their school performance, I feel tired coping with life and I feel sad for them that they do not have their father's love and care.

I broke down and started crying uncontrollably....

My son came to me, and they were wondering what is wrong with their mom ?? I told them I am just very tired and I said something I shouldn't say out of tiredness and frustration !

"How I wish I don't have to take care of of all you"! "I am tired, I have to work and I have to manage the family all by myself..." "I wish I can leave everything and not bother any more..."

My son started crying too, he felt very sad and told me something very touching. Next, my eldest daughter also cried and hugged me...

"Mom, I am very sorry that I caused you to be sad and stressed. I don't want you to be unhappy but I don't know how ? I wish we could be happy again like how we used to when Papa was around ! I feel it is my fault that cause you feeling so sad ! I want you to be happy Mom"

My replies....

"It is not your fault, and I am sorry I couldn't bring Papa back and he has left us.
Mama loves all of you and no matter what, mama will be here forever for all of you. I am sorry that I had made all of you cried... Just do your best in school...that is all I am asking from you !"

I was really touched and emotional...they walked me to the car and sent me off. I cried so much even while driving to work...I felt really sorry for them and I will have to control my emotions...life goes on !

On the funny side.....my baby daughter also joined us by forcing herself to cry....LoL.

My cute girl

Just to pen this down some thing very cute about my 3 years old daughter.

While driving her to the airport, she asked for my sunglasses, so there you see in the picture and noticed she crossed her legs too..

After dinner, while driving home and she sat in front and when I was driving near the car in front of me, just before the car stopped, she said "be careful".

Everyone in the car had a good laugh and didn't expect this to come from my sweetie baby !

:)

Mother's Day

Today while walking in the mall, I see more "old ladies" or I should politely say "great mothers" around. Of course, there are young mothers too, pretty ones as well.

It is a scene that you will see annually during this special day for Mothers. Restaurants are packed and mostly 3 generations rejoicing the occasion. Something to note is about my school mate who appears on the Star today front cover. I can imagine her happiness being at home with her lovely children !

I was sharing with my son the significant of Mother's Day celebration. It would be nice to have someone remembering this day. My children are still young and none of them can afford a dinner for me..but tonight, I celebrated with my mom who is visiting me before her trip to Sydney tomorrow.

To me, the love to our dearest mother is not about celebrating this special day, the moment I arrived in this world, I am blessed to be in the hand of a woman whom I call her mother. And from that day onwards, I am her child forever. This motherly love is forever and unconditional. This is what I have explained to my son...hopefully he understands !

My two older children have prepared gifts from school...thanks and I love all of you !

Money Sense

While I was out with my two older children, just before we left the house, I was unhappy with them because they have misplaced the small part of the toy that my sis bf just bought for them yesterday.

My daughter has asked me to buy some magic tricks for her that I didn't want to, but my sis bf loves them so much and he bought some for them. I know my children that they do misplace items and I think not only my children but some other families do have the same problem.

But today I was adamant that I want them to be appreciative of what they are provided in life. When I was talking about this, I thought if they were too young to understand the value of money. In the sense of understanding what money can do ! They are 10 and 7 years old and given pocket money to school, I am sure both of them understand what is important. And I am sure they have the basic money sense. What remains as my objective is to teach them to appreciate those who loves and provides them.

I started to share with them what we can do with RM50 that was paid for the toys as compared to the milk that I can get from the supermarket. It is not really about if they should be given the toys, but it is really my wish for them to appreciate whatever that they received.

I guess it is not a one lesson thingy to teach them to appreciate and understand the important of money and its value. Being a parent, it is a life long education for them. I really have to show them the right understanding of money sense...

Picnic Breakfast

It is a Sunday morning that the children are not occupied with any activities.

Since Friday, we have decided and I promised them to go to the park for a picnic breakfast and work out. Eventhough I was very tired from a day out with my sister plus my son was ill last night and had to bring him to the hospital, we went along with the plan...it is unfair to them if I cancelled this outing and it has been awhile since we last went to the park.

Driving out from the house, in a cool breezy morning after rain last night, I left the windows down enjoying some fresh air. A little bit of sun from the sunroof.....but the feeling was great.

It was very crowded at the park and first thing my son said, "Mom, I remember this place, a lot of memories". I know very well what he meant, we, as it when the family was still in 'one piece' used to come here for walk on weekend. I know he has memories of his father spending time with him playing at the playground, walking along the stream, the suspension bridge and feeding the turtle. I couldn't help to feel the sadness for awhile, seeing other families enjoying themselves. I think that is natural that I have memories of the past...

We had a good walk, we talked and ran, they feed the birds, watching monkey and the children contributed some wastes at the public toilet...not bad 20 cents per entry but seems clean, and the clumsy little baby had a fall...no big deal, she is a tough girl.

Finally, we settled at the wooden picnic bench in the park for our breakfast. The maid has made some sandwiches and fruits. It is quite eventful morning, seeing a lovely young Malay couple enjoying their own 'bekal' breakfast, a Chinese young couple taking their wedding photo whereby the bride is actually wearing a pair of slippers under her elegant looking wedding gown and some other families young and old spending quality bonding moments.

It is the same for me.....it is about the bonding with my children not neglecting their childhood lifestyle. They really enjoyed themselves and I think I will bring them more often...

I am happy to have such a great Sunday morning.....I appreciate what life has given me so far !

:-)

Challenges of a mother

What is the challenges of a mother ?  It is a question that has many answers and it can't be listed out and covers for all mothers.  Some parents have to deal with very sick child, death, kidnapped, rebellious and many more.

I like to share what I have learnt from my client, she has a teenage son 16 years old and since I knew her, she told me how stressful she is dealing with her son every morning and having to meet the principal in school on disciplinary matters !

The problem is her son refused to attend school and he has missed 5 months last year !  The reason is that he finds it not interesting to study in school and there is nothing much to learn from.  And he feels he is able to do the same at home.  Surprisingly he passed his PMR last year !

So, we went into understanding what are his son's interest ! He loves music and he enjoys playing different instruments.  So we encourage her to let him explore on his interest.  Next, we suggest to make a deal with her son and the school, allowing him home studies for 3 months or so, and if he can make through, there is really something to think about !  But if he fails, he has to agree to the mom to go back to school.

Actually this young man wants to study even want to take GCE, but the problem is he just doesn't want to be in the school environment.    And we also explore on the possibility of him pursuing his interest enthusiastically, but his mom still insisted that he must complete the formal education.

I sympathised and felt for her getting her son out from bed to go to school.....during our chat yesterday, she actually cried due to the emotional pain of failing to coach her son.

This is just one challenge for a great mom...and there are more !  I have my own challenges to dealing with my kids,  woman said to me, it is good be single mom as you made your decision for your children.  I hope I have made right decisions so far, sometimes I am not sure if my method is right, but I hope they will be successful in their own ways.  Mostly importantly, they must be conscience and let it lead them to be a great person !

Our advice to her is to let go a little and when she is less tense with the situation, the outcome might be better for both !  

This is all about the unconditional love from a mother for her children :)

Eventful day

An eventful day for me !

Started early morning, knowing I would be busy the whole day, can't cook dinner for the children, I decided to prepare breakfast for them.  Kids ordered bacon and egg.  I prepared myself for the event at Le Meridien and which has just ended not too long ago.

My Saturday routine is affected due to event and I had asked for help from friend to send my daughter to ballet class.  Guess what, my daughter drove me crazy...REAL CRAZY...I almost burst out of anger !  She showed her tantrum not giving me any reason why she refused to go to ballet.  She cried like a mad girl...it was worrying for me yet got me really frustrated and angry.

I was upset with her and I was frustrated as I couldn't do anything to stop her from screaming crying !  Made so many calls home and she refused stubbornly !  I knew if I could yell on the phone to get her to listen to me, I would have done so.  But being at WORK on duty...I have to show my calmness.  Can you imagine how confusing, lost and frustrated I was ????  Finally she willingly get dressed for ballet and was too late...

On the job, I was tired of a full day standing and walking around.   I looked professional in suit and high heel...something to be happy for.  Event went well, no major hiccups, client and guests are happy.

Finally, my apologetic daughter told me "Mom, I made you a card..I am sorry"  She knew well I can't take her misbehaviour like that.   On one hand, I tried to be the best mom, didn't want her to miss her ballet as exam is around the corner, yet she disappointed me terribly and I couldn't do much to make thing better and let her cried uncontrollably....

It is pain and stressful for me....I wish they understand my predicament, and just be mommy's obedient kids !  No matter what, I still love them !  I remember when they were young, I used to read this book to them "Guess how much I love you" and we played this game of stretching out our arms as far as we could !

I am tired and I am not a superwoman......and wish for a good hug to end my day !