Seasons change

I woke up at 7am, told myself it is time to go for the morning walk, but didn't make it as I went back to sleep....

Soon woke up again at 8.30 am and kids made decision for me must go for the walk. The weather has been a bit overcast not too hot. Guess it is a public holiday I didn't see others walking...or I was late this morning.

As I walk, I look around the surrounding and it brings back some memories. There is no four seasons here in Malaysia, but the seasonal change to me is when the flower blooms. I remember it is always around April to May my favourite sight on the ground where the Angsana flowers covers the street turning it into a yellow carpet....awesome.

Though we do not have a distinctive autumn where falling yellow leaves are seen...but in my heart, this is my seasonal change and love it.

New Journey

The month of May has been very eventful for the last two weeks.

I have posted earlier the various incidents that had happened and last Thursday was my last day at work.

As expected I didn't hope for a big good bye party. I have been not very "engaged" into the environment maybe I just couldn't due to the issue I was facing with the management. Therefore the farewell was good that I hadn't face the boss but instead a nice lunch with my fellow colleagues. I had asked for a half day early release that took half day of my salary, but it is all worth it, otherwise I have to return to work still tomorrow.

The soonest I quit my job, my new adventure begins. I have an excited world out there awaiting for me. I had meetings that I have not had before, it is not the same thing that I have done before, business lunch and drinks with partners of large corporation.

I know from today, my life is about to change. I share this with the kids, told them Mom is now the boss of her own company. My brilliant son extended his hand to shake my hand followed by "Congratulations Mom".

I know this is a wonderful thing in my life...but reality is I still have both feet standing firmly on the ground. This is just the beginning, it is important to stay as humble as I am. All I need is the right support and commitment towards my business and I will be someone one day !

I love it...and I love you so much !

The after divorce feeling

Am I happy after divorced ? I have posted on my facebook wall as : the day has finally arrived..I am done with it.

The comments that I received are congratulations / great days ahead / way to go and etc. They know exactly how I should feel about this day.

I guess for those who are not aware of what I was going through earlier, maybe it sounded like I just got married. But it is the otherwise...I have just divorced, I ended my marriage of 13 years. I wasn't sure of what is the feeling...but fore sure it is a relief. I know I have a closure to the relationship that has turned bad and unpleasant. It is good for both of us. For him, if he wishes to remarry and settle down with a new partner...I wish him well. As for me, I want a release from the past...the rest is history.

I have so much to look forward to. The life ahead of me will be blissful and happy. The new journey will be exciting and interesting part of my life. So much about me, most importantly is I am happy mom who will bring happiness to the kids. They have gone through a rough time too...they have seen how I suffered emotionally that had affected them too. The kids deserve a happy parent...it is my responsibility to bring them up happily. They may have shadows of the past...from now onwards, I hope the shadow of the past will slowly disappear from them.

I can see their joy on their little faces a few days ago when we went out for family dinner. All three were trying to get their attention from us. This is all about parenting. I am glad I have beautiful and fun children.

I am a new person, a person who has strengthen my faith in life, a person who is about to embark on a new experience. Anything about to happen in my life will only be a wonderful and truly happy life for all.

The happiness is in my hand !

Damage Control Day

The last few days hasn't been easy at work. It is like a time bomb, expecting it to explode and see how far the damage is.

Finally, the bomb exploded and I had to deal with the damage control. Thankfully the damage hasn't killed anyone but it is enough to keep me in maximum stress level for the past 48 hours. I couldn't sleep, I had the most worrying face and the look that one can tell I am unhappy and concern. I lost the sweet smile on my face...

The day finally came that I have to face all and deal with it. It is like you enter a room that you are about to be sentenced to death and you need to appeal not guilty. The look on everyone is not friendly...my heart felt like I will die soon.

Somehow, it is about taking some courage and face the fact. I explained what I could and made sensible explanation to all based on the actual situation. At the end, it went well...the damage control is solved...not 100% though ! Still need to do some follow up and hopefully by the end of the week, it will be over.

Most importantly...everyone is happy. Process is an experience but a desirable outcome is more important.

Good night and wishing all of you a wonderful day !

Loveless Family

I was reading a book about forgiving and I realize I was overly ambitious about re-bonding my ex husband and his family.

My family is not the most perfect family, parents are not the role model of one very happily married couple, but both of them showed us love and the strength of family unity and never leave us to feel loveless. They are just like any couple, arguments are just part of being together but through the bad times, both of them have never walked out the family.

When I first met my ex husband, I came to understand his family background and the disharmony in it. He felt little love from the family and preferred to stay out on his own after Form 5. He knows very well his mom loves him but the family was not capable of providing him much to further his study. He had a bad childhood when his father left the family for few years and back to the family again. He knew how much his mom suffered when she had to single handedly managed the family.

I know he withdrew himself very much from the family and after we got married, I tried to bring him closer to his family as I believe in family harmony and closeness is very important. I did what a daughter in law would do and we had a few good years...sadly it didn't have the best achievement and I don't know if it was my fault to even bring him back to the family. Finally when my father in law passed away, it is a sight of loveless family that I see in him. Truly very sad that he chose to be away from all of us.

Now looking back at his childhood, he should know the suffering and pain of a woman keeping up with life looking after her children and why did he allow it to happen again !

Till today I have no answer to his decision....

"You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well."

Lewis B. Smedes - Forgive & Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve

Stressful March

It has been a very tiring and stressful month of March. It all started with the tremendous huge expenses that I had to pay for the car maintenance, maid's renewal permit and school fee and another blow on the car maintenance just last week.

Life is so tough especially when all these unexpected expenses got on me. I almost feel suffocating with the situation. Just when I thought my car is ready to take me miles without much problem, it is just unfortunate and it needed another repair.

Now comes the maid issue, she is due to go home in March but due to all this nonsense with the Indonesian maid that both governments hadn't come to agreement, we, those who really need a maid to look after the children are suffering. Some had to go for Cambodian maid that who hardly speak English and it takes about 3 - 6 months to understand each other. I can't afford this and to hire a Filipino will be too expensive for me and next option or no option is to wait for the release of the Indonesian maid and this is unknown when.

My maid is happy to extend a few months for me but still I have to pay a bloody big amount for her renewal. And from my many years experience of hiring Indonesian maid, when they are due to go home, their behaviour is questionable, they are not as hardworking and all sort of problem will arise. My poor kids are in her hands ! In any case, I have to prepare almost RM10k for the next application ! I wish I don't have to depend on them.

Last but not least, the job that pays my salary isn't coming along well. Felt really not motivating after 21 months with the company. I have been busy this month and reasons why I am not motivated ? I have the answer..Sad but.....

What to do...I have so much stress to deal with ! This is a post of letting out my frustration after not writing for so long. Wish I am writing something that is beautiful about my life but got to let this out and move on to seek better life.

Good night all !

Good or Bad

Good or bad ? How do you know ?

Life is so unexpected and we don't know what we have decided upon is going to be good or bad. Recently I met a few friends and they told me about bumping onto my ex and his girl friend. I haven't seen him for some times and have no idea how he looks like now. The report I have is that he has put on weight and look a bit older. Even I had grown older now..so it is natural that he does.

My friends told me that she doesn't look as attractive as I do ....hahahaha is that something to make me feel good ??? Yes la a little I admit. But whether she is not so pretty or not, does it matter ? Now it is not who he found that matters to me, I am not the best too for him and there is no perfect in relationship. He found her to be good in some quality that he can't find in me and I can't see some qualities that I like to see in a man. He may have not lived up to be a perfect husband but I know he tried. Whether he has made the right choice....who knows!?

So Good or Bad choice ? Nobody knows really. Just live in current moment and make good relationship to yourself !

I am so sick

It has been a long while since I fell sick like this. This time I lost my voice and thankfully I hadn't developed any fever or body ache.

I feel really awful and tired due to the sore throat and energy level is dropping. The worst was I had an event yesterday in the midst of my terrible sore throat. I attended meetings with client and running all over to get things done.

Thankfully the event went well, client is very happy and pleased with all the arrangement. The attendance was 100%. Though it is just a simple appreciation luncheon, I must say it went really well. We decorate the place to create the ambiance for Chinese New Year. I do have to thank the restaurant staff for their great supports from the day I liaised with them. Yesterday the kitchen had to cope with cooking for 120 peoples and the staff were all smiling and yet very attentive to my last minutes request. Maybe I should mention the restaurant...AMARIN heavenly THAI.

Now, I am recuperating from the exhaustion that I have to miss the company trip to HCM. I would love to join everyone but my family comes first. My little girl is down with fever and cough and went for check up twice and still not improving. I need to regain my voice.....I need to be energetic again, that's me.

Have a good weekend !

With metta always :)

What a stressful week

I have just gone through a very stressful week.

It started since last weekend all because of the email from him, then the whole week of managing a meeting follow by the lost of my wallet on Friday.

I must admit that age is catching up and also maybe I haven't been doing this for awhile. Few years back, I have no problem managing travel related events, sleep very little yet full of energy to last the entire duration. This one week away managing on site plus a lot of running around is so tiresome.

Somehow I feel very pressured because of some difficulties and changes made by client. I felt kind of unprepared..but whatever it is, I know I have worked on it and delivered what is best. The result is not as good as I have expected...

The worst was when I lost my wallet on Friday in the middle of a very busy day. It is a full day event that started as early as 6.00am. I only had about 4 hours sleep before that and after the first half of the event, I realised my wallet was not in my bag. I actually panicked and started to look around in the car in fact twice. After about 1 hour later, I decided that I should made a call to cancel all my bank cards. Once that was done...I told myself, they are gone, lets move on and I still have a night event to finish up.

Just as I was so so caught up with the preparation though my heart was not totally focussed, I received a call that my wallet was found in Puchong. No money left as expected..but all my documents were in tact. I felt such a relief but I can't leave to collect it because the event is about to start in less than 2 hours time. Thankfully the event went well and everybody enjoyed the night.

I went to sort out the police report and tt was 12 am and I was so sleepy while making police report. The worst is driving home with my eyes half closed. I could have rammed into some dividers that night. The next morning when I woke up, I heard my maid telling my children "come lets have LUNCH"...oh dear, I slept till noon. The routine for the weekend continued...and picked up my wallet, not very happy to keep the wallet somehow, but happy to see that all documents are there.

The stressful Saturday ended with a nice gathering with my buddies who also came to my rescue because I have no money because no atm card.....We have so much fun from afternoon tea to dinner to supper...hahahaha !

Today, a bit relaxing but still feel very tired and feel like falling sick. Vit C...I need you !

I like to post this video because this is the most hilarious show I watched during the event...! It cheers me up..

Coping with life

Even though I have gone through more than 2 years of separation, months of working on the divorce, and months of coping with life, getting a life and etc...I realize that coping with my life situation is not as simple as I have thought of.

I thought I have come out from the problem I was in..and I have emerged as a woman who has put every problem behind and moved on. Actually, from day one when I was still very vulnerable and emotional till now, I have only moved on in a more confident way. Everyday I see the changes in myself coping with the family. Maybe this has something to do with self esteem that I had to face while divorcing.

My children is the most important thing in my life and they are with me everyday. I learn to cope with them, their demands and life. Once I thought I could cope well, and now when I reflect I saw myself wasn't really ready and I was a lot more impatient. Now, I see myself a lot more calmer and relax when I am with them.

It is this time of the year that I feel it is a test to me. It is a new start for them and they have new schedule for me to get adjusted to. I need to plan and organise for them and to make time for myself. Previously it was only 2 children attending school, now all 3 are...and it also means that my expenses have gone up.

Life is never easy...just take it easy !

A walk down the memory lanes

The last day of 2009 I decided to start the spring cleaning. I have been thinking a lot about it months ago but don't know why, just couldn't start it. Finally, I decided that I have to do it because I want a good start for 2010.

The spring cleaning is actually to remove the personal items of my Ex. He left the house 2 years ago and never removed anything. Everything was in its original place for more than 2 years. I am glad that my maid was really helpful. As for me I need to sort out things on behalf of him is not easy. When I look at his personal belongings..I started to think if is necessary to keep still if those items were never touched for 2 years ??

While sorting out the things, I came across some photos. These photos took me down the memory lanes of the time when we were still courting, various trips that we went before we got married and eventually the wedding photos and some photos with the children. I also found some documents while I was planning the wedding including the wedding invitation list and greeting cards from friends who attended our wedding.

So the spring cleaning process is not that easy and it can be emotional if I was still fragile and emotional. It is also good to do it now after 2 years and I no longer feel sour and hurt so badly. If I have done it earlier, I could have done it emotionally.

Now I am happy because I have done a major one and it is also good for CNY preparation. This exercise seems to me like a "revamp" or "reorganising" my life.

Glad I did it :) A new year with a new life for a new ME !

Working out again

For the last two months, I have such busy schedule traveling, work and visitors and also some laziness as an excuse.

I haven't been walking much for the past one month and I feel guilty and over the last two weeks, I have a full house and when a Chinese family is gathered, the best way is to enjoy FOOD. I have since put on some weights...terrible feeling. Somehow I also consoled myself that while I was in London and Paris, I have an enormous amount of walk everyday so that is not so bad after all.

Today, I decided to continue my regular workout, did a 40 minutes walk. Feel so good really. It is going to be more for next year, I want to have a healthy and fit body. I am not fat but just need to trim it. It is my resolution.

I am feeling 2010 is going to be great...surely it will in many ways ! I hope the same for all, stay happy, smile more, keep well and work smart :)

A memorable family reunion 2009

A great family reunion just ended today and my entire family has gone back. We had a good 10 days together, eating and meeting up with other cousins in KL. This gathering is only once every two years where everyone are gathered.

This year we choose to go to Pangkor Island. We stayed at a privately owned home called Tiger Rock. It is not a resort nor a hotel and it is a home that made our stay and family reunion even more memorable. It is almost back to basic living in the wild feeling, the entire home is built in the forest with some basic amenities.

Even though it is only four days at TR, we had really good time being a complete family especially for my parents. They are so happy seeing the grand children playing together. The host at the home Mohan and his team were really good. We had the most attention and we were well fed as well that I think I have put on some weights after this 10 days get together.

I can't remember if I have ever went to a picnic with my sisters and parents. And we did it with our children, swam in the sea, ride on the thrilling flying fish with my son and nephew was great. Mohan even prepared picnic lunch for us and what a life I must say. It is pampering.

We sat together in the evening enjoying some wines and champagne with foie gras as hors d'oeuvre. On Christmas night, we were served a lovely Christmas dinner while listening to Christmas songs and kids having party favors to make the night more merrier. We didn't have any presents that night as we had the opening of presents done before we left. We have at least 50 presents that night for 12 peoples..however they are mostly for the kids.

It has been a good 10 days spending with my parents and sisters. I realise as I get older, times like this are always very precious, not easy to live together again though as we have our own life. I only have my family and it is a blessing to have such great people around me.

Parents are getting old and I hope we can have more family get together...and I know this is their wish. I know it is not easy...but I am glad we made it :)

Life after two years

Past few weeks have been exhausted and tiring. I traveled so much that I can feel the body is rejecting and I feel depriving from sleep. More traveling coming soon..not complaining because I chose to let it happen.

I feel so sorry for my children that I have been away from home, I have no choice at times work requires me to travel. I guess this is all about life.

Few days ago when I came back from trip, I saw my ex driving in town. I felt uncomfortable because I feel bad and sad that I left the kids with the maid where he could have spend sometime with the children. Sadly he didn't want to be associated with the children and it is now more than 2 years.

This is one of the hardest thing for me being 100% single mom with 100% responsibility of the children. I miss them and when I get home, they drive me crazy.

Whenever I look back what happened two years ago, I remember I was down, I was weak and emotional. I often asked why it has to happen ? Why it has to be me? The future is bleak, blur and I was confused. Then I come to accept the problem and now I feel whatever has to happen, has happened and I just have to live with it. My girl friend met him recently and told me he has put on weight, I am glad he is taking care of himself well. He met his love of his life (that is how he wrote to me...was hurtful reading it then) and I take it as a blessing that someone is there for him when his life is turning towards the worst time. I know I have suffered and hurt too by accepting this fact.

It is now more than 2 years..there is no more what if and why questions. I have let go of the thought. That part of my life was the worst I have ever experienced. Perhaps that is the path that I need to go beyond. I told myself, it can only get better and better. I am seeing progress and there is light at the end of the tunnel, and I am seeing it gradually.

I read this and it is very motivating "All you can do is give your best effort until bedtime. Let tomorrow take care of itself"

Phase of life

I don't know what to write..it has been great but it is hard to express.

At times I don't believe what I am going through now, it is almost like I never expected it would be, but it has been going well. Life is turning towards positive side.

This phase of life is something I once lost or it has never been felt before. It is just great and I truly appreciate it very much. Nothing is permanent but at this moment, I just want to enjoy it and embrace it and I hope this stays. Life is very strange, at different stage, we experience differently. Few months ago, life seems to be in the darkest moment and little I have expected it to be totally afresh and exciting experience.

All I know is I have an exciting life ahead of me and it will be great and filled with love and joy, love for my children and people around me. Am I a changed person ?? Perhaps yes, a person who is more confidence now, have strong spiritual guidance towards life, knows what life has to be, face it and live it to the best.

Am I happy ? Perhaps yes, I am feeling the serenity and calmness and that is happiness to me.

I only want to say...thank you for being here for me.

Used vs. Loved

I received this email and find this a good reminder to us...I reflected and it is useful...

While a man was polishing his new car,
his 4 yr old son picked up a stone
and scratched lines on the side of the car. In anger, the man took the child's hand
and hit it many times not realizing
he was using a wrench.

At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers
due to multiple fractures.

When the child saw his father.....
with painful eyes he asked, 'Dad when will my fingers grow back?'
The man was so hurt and speechless;
he went back to his car and kicked it a lot of times.

Devastated by his own actions......
sitting in front of that car he looked at the scratches;
the child had written 'LOVE YOU DAD'.
The next day that man committed suicide. . .

Anger and Love have no limits;
choose the latter to have a beautiful, lovely
life & remember this:
Things are to be used and people are to be loved.
The problem in today's world is
that people are used while things are loved.

Let's try always to keep this thought in mind:
Things are to be used,
People are to be loved.

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character;
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

I'm glad a friend forwarded this to me as a reminder.
I hope you have a good day no matter what problems you may face
it's the only day you'll have before it's over.

我是有故事的人

During my recent trip to Shanghai, I walked by some window displays and one that caught my attention was the Story of Shanghai..上海故事, 一个有故事的人！ Everyone has a story. Different stages in life, childhood, teenage, hardship, good time, happiest moment, family and working days.

I do have a story and I always think my story is pretty interesting. I have never thought of how my life story should be written. It happened and it became a new episode or chapter. When you put the experience together, it has 酸甜苦辣， it can be challenging and unprepared, most importantly I walk into it, embrace it and gain an insight and to face them with courage and only be stronger day by day.

I have a story / life that I think is extraordinary compares to my circle of friends. That again my life is not all sad though...hahahaha!

Wherever my life has taken me this far, it has changed me and only to make me a better person. I will work towards it..

Nothing is ever perfect, it only gets better

I was attending a talk this evening and this phrase was mentioned. It caught my attention so deeply that I had it written on my facebook immediately before I forget.

Nothing is ever perfect, it only gets better!

I totally agree, sometimes when I am unhappy, I wish it could be perfect like I wish it to be, but then in reality it can only get better. At work, I find it hard to find the environment that I would say I am happy, at the end, I realised that I can only put in some effort to improve the atmosphere better.

While I am organising an event, we evaluate the event when it ends, and I have never used "It is perfect" as I know there is always room "to make it better".

It is the same for me and my children, I see some kids doing so well in school, scored high marks, and when I look at my children, they are just average, I felt have I not done my duty as a mother diligently ? And I may put more pressure on them to make them as "perfect" as I wished for, but again, it is not possible, it only gets better.

Many of us are never contented in life, because we have high expectation to be nearly perfect, and again I must say the last 24 months, has been a turning point in my life, a life full of challenges. From where I fall, I pick myself up, from the emotional suffering that I went through, I can only make it better now with a more calmer and relax mind. It is never perfect yet though, but it will get better. Now I live to be not perfect but I only wish for my life to get better.

I hope with this quote, it is an aspiration to live the best and only to make it even better.

With metta to all !

When it happens..

I was thinking about many incidents in life and the coincidences.

It is like, if there is this, it might be that...

Some friends told me that I have been on vacation quite a bit, actually it is not true. Most of the trips were working and of course a few were personal vacation.

And my question is related to all my vacation. I won lucky draw for free accommodation in Kota Kinabalu and I paid a very nominal price to my colleague for additional 2 nights to make my stay worthwhile. On top of that my air ticket was partly sponsored by Air Asia due to the long delay that we experienced, so that is how I made my vacation to KK possible.

First time on a personal vacation, I thought there is always the first time, and I had to go during weekday, so didn't invite any friend to come along. And because of I was alone, I met a few friends. So in conclusion, the trip was worthwhile and truly rewarding...

Next was my vacation to Macau, it was also a free package that I won during the road show and because of the KK trip, I offered to a friend to accompany me and the Macau trip was another wonderful thing in life.

So, I was just thinking out loud, when it happens, the effect continues and whether is good or bad, there is always the cause and effect in life. On the opposite, if I have not attended the quiz session, I wouldn't have won the free night stay, if the flight has not delayed, I wouldn't have the voucher from Air Asia, and if I have not got to KK, I would have missed out something in life and if I have not won the free package to Macau..etc!

Actually I am not sure if this thinking is right..but I do believe everything has to happen for a reason..for that just accept the consequences and enjoy what comes along in life.

Cooking

What is your hobby? My hobby is to cook.

Honestly I haven't been cooking for years, and whenever someone asked me what is your hobby, my answer is cooking. I feel embarrassing to acknowledge and at times I doubt if I can cook well still.

Lately, I started to cook more especially when my under utilised oven is back in action. This oven was like "dead" for sometime and 2 months back it worked again.

Since then, I have been baking cakes, biscuit, pizza and tonight I baked chicken and potatoes with mushroom sauce and bake my own garlic bread, modern cooking baked only (not the whole process of making the bread dough la...).

I did a cost calculation for a family of 5 including my maid, it is so much cheaper to eat at home. I used to eat out and nowadays my children have grown up and they eat more and it is really more economical to cook at home. My estimated cost for dinner tonight is about RM30 for 4 chicken thighs and it served 5 persons. It is healthy and most importantly it has been cooking. Thankfully I have a good maid at home who will do the rest of the washing...

I told my children, we will have a nice fancy dinner once a month and the rest of the weekends, we make it simple.

See the picture above, that is what I cooked for my precious children and the ais batang is home made too...this is something I enjoyed very much during school days.