New Experiences

I am learning everyday and still going on !

From the day my life took a dramatic change, it was never the same, the life that I have always imagine as a wife and mother has also changed. My role is different and the responsibility has increased tremendously.

The experiences that I went through for the past 20 months have been the most significant in my life. I do have other experiences that others may not have experienced before, I must say that I am not the most ordinary woman in terms of life experiences. Though it has not been the easier path that some how life has taken me, but with no regret, I can only say they have made me a person wiser from time to time.

Once when I was in Dalian, China on a business trip, I have never ever walked into a pub for a drink in my entire life. I went down to the hotel pub just to check out the live band, because of my work nature, I like to know more about what is available in the hotel so that I can share with my client. I sat at the bar ordered myself a Gin and Tonic, and very soon, a man came to me to chat me up. That night, I was in the most casual Polo t-shirt and jean, really not dressed to kill sort of. So, we chat and he is from Xian and work for a MNC company, happened to be in the city for the meeting. As we chat, we talked about life, the earthquake experience and etc..and at the end of my unusual meet, he said 你是一个有故事的女人, which translated as "you are a woman with story".

That experience was totally new to me...and I also signed up on Internet dating site !! I was so naive that I don't even know much of this thing before that. I must say that I was really happy and contented in life before, I know all I have was my husband and family. I put all my focus at work and family. From there, I started to know some friends over the net, some are totally ripped off and strange people. Started to chat, but I am very selective, I don't even give them my yahoo or msn unless I feel I like to explore further. Some of them I don't even meet, just don't feel is necessary and not even my phone number.

Soon, I am going for my very first vacation all alone ~ another new experience. I have never been away from home alone since I got married. I may have traveled alone on work many times but not on a leisure basis. I don't know what to expect, feeling a bit funny...come to think of it...it maybe fun and I will be fine.

My friend teased me if I need any companion, just give him a ring...and I jokingly told him, your recommendation is too young for me, though good body with 6 packs but intellectually not "ngam"...and only interested in China girls...super young ones.

I feel this trip is a chance for me firstly to relax la...I need one truly for myself. And also, it is a good time for me to think and reflect many things in life. The thousand-mile journey begins with a single step...I have to start somewhere as my life is embarking on the next chapter soon.

I look forward to this soon to experience vacation, another story for me...

I like this song very much....hope you like it too !

Emotional moments with my children

I didn't expect this !

I was with my children to collect their school report card, and my son for the very first time, failed one paper which is Chinese Essay writing. Other subject he did ok but need to improve. As for my daughter, she done averagely for standard One and I hope she could do better too.

My expectation from the children is to do well in their school..and be a well mannered children. They are great kids at least I have not heard bad comments about them :)

I had to juggle between the meet the teacher sessions for both, and I had to rush back to work, and some issues to settle urgently, so it was a bit rush rush for me. What hit me was, seeing so many children walking with "both parents" and suddenly my son said to me "Mom, I know how you feel, you have to manage two sessions, it is not easy". So I told him, "please sit there and wait for your turn, don't walk away otherwise another parent will take over the queue" !

As we were walking home, I was taking to them about their result, which I really hope they will improve in the next term.

When I was praying before I left for work, I suddenly felt weak and emotional and I started crying...don't know why, I just couldn't control my emotions. I feel sad and lost for that moment, not knowing what to do with their school performance, I feel tired coping with life and I feel sad for them that they do not have their father's love and care.

I broke down and started crying uncontrollably....

My son came to me, and they were wondering what is wrong with their mom ?? I told them I am just very tired and I said something I shouldn't say out of tiredness and frustration !

"How I wish I don't have to take care of of all you"! "I am tired, I have to work and I have to manage the family all by myself..." "I wish I can leave everything and not bother any more..."

My son started crying too, he felt very sad and told me something very touching. Next, my eldest daughter also cried and hugged me...

"Mom, I am very sorry that I caused you to be sad and stressed. I don't want you to be unhappy but I don't know how ? I wish we could be happy again like how we used to when Papa was around ! I feel it is my fault that cause you feeling so sad ! I want you to be happy Mom"

My replies....

"It is not your fault, and I am sorry I couldn't bring Papa back and he has left us.
Mama loves all of you and no matter what, mama will be here forever for all of you. I am sorry that I had made all of you cried... Just do your best in school...that is all I am asking from you !"

I was really touched and emotional...they walked me to the car and sent me off. I cried so much even while driving to work...I felt really sorry for them and I will have to control my emotions...life goes on !

On the funny side.....my baby daughter also joined us by forcing herself to cry....LoL.

Should I continue to send him ?

I have been wondering what to do ?

My husband had not seen the children for almost 20 months now, and I don't think so he had ever tried to go to places where my children are attending their tuition just to see them. Almost one year ago, I sent him a few photos of the children and asked him if he wishes to continue to receive. He said yes.

But after that, some friends gave me their opinion about it ! He chose not to see the children or to be in contact with them, and why am I so kind and soft hearted to send him their photos ? Since he has made his choice to stay away from us, the consequences are expected that he wouldn't want to see the children anymore. Is it necessary for me to share with him ?? Instead it should be like a punishment for him...

Since then, I have stopped sending and he had not sent me any email too on this matter....

I guess the answer is there that he doesn't need to share the growing up of the children ! Despite this unacceptable decision he made, I feel he is still the father and he deserves to know their development. But again, will he care or bother about my good intention ???

What do you think ?? Am I right or wrong ??

Me and my past

Sometimes I wonder if I should post some of my past here !

I have been thinking a lot, now that I am into my 40s, I beginning to ask a lot of self realisation questions. And I feel since I started to have this life journal written, it helps me to see who I truly am, and what I truly seek and want.

Some part of my life is now history but I thought it would be good to have them recorded here, so that I could read them over and over again, to re-examine and understand what happened then.

It is not about me staying on with the past, it is really not my wish to remember the past, especially those very painful and hurtful ones, but it is a way to remember them as a chapter in my life. It is really time to leave the main chapter in my life....

Perhaps, I will start to write something about me and my husband ! Even though we are about to end our relationship amicably soon, he definitely has been someone in my life. I feel by writing this part of my life here, it helps me to totally let go of the past which I had let go...and soon it will be all over.

Be yourself, true to yourself

It is almost impossible to change the characteristic and personality of one.

We may say many things to change our mind set, attended many motivational talks, read the best self help books, only to think it works, but truly it lies within ourselves. Who exactly we are, the fear we faced and truth in life of who we are.

When I started to write my blog, I have written it as a way for me to explore my writing skill...though not excellent, but just a way for me to release my stress, a journal of good things in life, funny moments and every little things that I came across in life. I have left the comment column open, didn't expect much from it, and I read the comments though some left it as anonymous. I took every comment without offend and I accepted whatever that comes.

There is always a choice of no publishing the comments, but the fact is when you read a comment that is not to your liking, can you accept that just reading it ?? Everyone has different opinion and see things from different perspective, thus comments can be unfriendly or judgemental or even find it silly. This is fear of being judged which most of us are afraid of. In life, we talk and meet people, we also receive comments and critics...like it or not, this is life, just listen and judge wisely what is right or wrong, if we should talk further and react with mindfulness.

A new blogger like me, not popular as compared to many out there, and if you are so used to receiving comments and the readership is somewhat important, I think no matter how it is ingrained that these seasoned bloggers will need the attention of readers.

Therefore, be true to yourself who you are, what you like. This is how I feel about life, I enjoy doing things that I have been doing, only through experiences that life ahead will be more meaningful.

Are you happy with what you are now ?? Is this the life you want ? Are you really achieving the inner peace and feel contented ?

I can't lie to myself of what I wish to be.....self affirmation without being true to ourselves will not lead us a long way...

I like to share something I read from Robin Sharma's book :

Darkness is nothing more than an absense of light; once you pour the light of human awareness and understanding into the darkest recesses of your being, you will become a being filled with light. Where there was once fear, there will be love. What it means to be "en-light-entend" ~ one filled with light. The integrity gap is a step home, towards the state of enlightenment that you truly are.

Just my rambling thoughts...Be yourself, be true to yourself !

过了就好

时间过的很快， 一转眼一天一天的过， 很快的又一个月了，一年又一年的过了， 岁月不留人，说的有意思。 很多事情发生过后， 留住的只有回忆。 有好的也有不愈快的！我以前对事情的执著已经好多了。总觉得， 很多事情， 一旦发生了，也是一个命运的安排，过了，就应该从中吸取经验！

我对自己的认识也应该是一年多前， 也是我开始对人生的看法有更深一层的聊解。 我不敢说我已懂得如何的生活方式才是对的，因为我们时时都在学习当中，人生就是一个旅途。 到头来，一切都是会到原点， 所谓的Circle of Life !

所以嘛，很多事情过了就好！听听这首歌吧。。。一首我喜爱的！

My dream

While I was driving in the city, I saw this man getting off from his bike with a nice hand bouquet of flowers and a teddy bear. He is actually the delivery man, he is definitely on this way to deliver bliss and joy to someone who deserves it.

And couple of days ago, I was checking out the gift exhibition and I really like those ribbons and gift boxes on display. I am always very excited whenever I see beautiful ribbons that at times I can't decide what to choose.

I enjoy giving out gift that is beautifully wrapped because I like to imagine the joy of the person receiving the gift. But it can be quite costly, a metre of ribbons that cost RM4.50 and you need 2 - 3 meters depending on the design...and some tissues to line the box and the cost of the box depending on size and design. The cost may end up like additional of RM15 - 20 per item !

Whenever I planned my children birthday party, I like to decorate the venue with balloons..if budget allows I would do it. Recently I organised a birthday party for my little girl, invited a few young children, my neighbours mostly so it wasn't a big do...but I got her a few balloons with her name personalised on it...

So what is this about my dream..???

It has always been my dream to have a business that create happiness to anyone that walks into my shop. I remember my personal experience when I was shopping for balloons, the feeling was so good and I am excited. I feel so happy...and I spoke to the staff, she said yeah..no one comes in here for anything unhappy !

Since I love to receive beautifully wrapped gift as well as giving out something that is thoughtfully wrapped..seeing those lovely ribbons in all sizes, textures and colours, I go crazy about it....

I love to see the smile and sense the inner happiness of people. Some people are quite emotionless...LOL, maybe that is because the gift is not nicely wrapped with beautiful ribbons...! I always imagine me being the shop owner, not over charging...hehe, giving my best service and ideas and thoughts to the customer who wants to select the best gift box, or ribbons or some ideas for party! At the end of it, seeing the happy customers excited walking out of the shop, anxiously waiting to give away the gift, or look forward to the great party...

Conclusion is...I just love to see the joy and happiness of people around me ! It may be family and friends, total strangers or clients. I hope one day my dream will come true..

Perhaps there are many things one can do to create great happiness....

I am itchy all over...

Don't know what I ate that causes me this itchiness all over my body !?

Every part of my body is getting rash and red patches..extremely itchy. My two girls have taken picture of my back while massaging me....so sweet of them but when I look at the photo.....ugly and itchy !

Just took an antihistamine and I need to sleep now...unbearable and I look horrible scratching all over..I suspect it is allergy to some food...hadn't suffered from food allergy for some times...might need to pop in clinic if it is not getting any better :(

Good night...

Marley & Me

I bought the DVD for almost 2 months and finally I watched it with my children !

It is a very touching story and what is life like when you have a pet at home.

I grew up with 2 dogs at home, Blackie was a black dog and Shasha was a mixed breed....I really can't remember what they were...sorry. I used to be afraid of Blackie because he was taller than me, I was in my primary and when we had Shasha a small size dog, I played a lot with him.

And watching this show reminds me of the day when I was with my husband, one evening, he brought home a black puppy...given by a friend and he knew I love animal, so we kept her. It is exactly like the show, we were about to get married and started the family. Similarly we were afraid of how she could be jealous of the new arrival at home.

Finally we were ready to move to our condo and we have to decide her fate. Since we kept the house for awhile, we left her there and we visited the house everyday. And finally we felt it is time to give her away but no one wanted her because she was 6 years old. So, the only choice was to give her to SPCA.

I can remember vividly when I left her there that evening, the staff at SPCA told me they will try to find her an adoption but unlikely as she was too old. They will put her to sleep if there is no adoption (I can't remember the time frame). I cried looking at her as we were leaving. I never called SPCA to find what happen to her then...

Again I cried watching this movie, some part of the show reminded me of how I started my family, coping and balancing our lives with children.

Just memories...life goes on !

:)

What is tomorrow ?

What is tomorrow ?

A new day

A fresh new start

A new journey

I want to be happy

I want to purify my life

I want to share loving kindness

I want to be loved

A day with no fear

A day full of clarity and wisdom

A day blessed with joy and harmony

A day to breathe in Peace, breathe out Love

I just did my prayer...this is tomorrow for me :)

With Metta !

Should I tell them ?

After a good long day, on my way home, a little tired but very happy with the dhamma sharing.

The same place almost the same time, perhaps 20 minutes earlier than the last time, I saw my husband's car. I wasn't really sure if I should turn to look at him, but inside me, I asked, should I look at him ? If he could live all by himself since the day he left, without even asking if we are coping well, how are the children doing ? Furthermore since my friends told me they saw him with his new love a few weeks ago shopping at the mall, does it still matter to me ??

Instead, I accelerated and over took him and I noticed he turned to look at me. Some times 2 months ago, the same scenario happened, but it was his gf who saw me on the road.

When I got home, I really want to hug my children, I felt the pain in my heart because I don't know if I should tell them I saw their father. I know if I tell them, they will have unfinished question after question about him. And that might tense me up perhaps.

Life is all about choices...I choose to move on my life without involving him anymore !

Compassion In Action by Ven Sanghasena

Today is rather an enriching day especially this evening, the Buddha's teaching through Ven. Sanghasena.

Why do I attend this dhamma talk ? The reason is Ven. is from Ladakh ~ a city that I have visited and familiar with its rich Buddhism culture way back 2000 years ago. The sight of monastery and stupas that are all over the snow caped mountain almost 3/4 of the year.

There are practically dhamma talks every day at various temples and it will be no end to it if I cling on to the thoughts that my divine achievement is through listening to as many dhamma talk as possible. However, each and every dhamma talk that I have attended has definitely made me a person with better wisdom.

So, Ven Sanghasena's message or his mission is to share "Compassion in action". It is a very easy to understand dhamma, almost to the most basic of our life, it comes from our heart. A lot of us have forgotten how should we "dress" our heart, but we have emphasize a lot of our physical appearance. Ultimately, the compassion, the universal and unconditional love should come from our heart.

What does he mean by how to dress up our heart ? It is the heart that have feelings of compassion and loving kindness. It does make sense to me, every morning we rush out from the house to work, put on the nice shirt or dress and apply the necessary make up to look presentable, but deep within our heart, we should also dress it as a lovingkindness heart, willingness to share and care for others.

I always find dhamma talk helps me to remember what I practise and learn from Buddha. Everyday, we make our prayers, we chant but if our hearts is not accepting the ideas what Buddha is teaching, we will not get the maximum benefit of what we chanted. That goes for the 5 precepts, which is fundamental practice for Buddhist, and this teaching is over 2500 years and yet we are still practising.

No Killing or Harming of living creatures
We do not kill or harm any being in the universe. Every being on this earth are given the equal chance to live, and we have no rights to take away their life. Instead, it is through compassion that we protect and care for all beings.

No stealing
We do not take things that doesn't belong to us, but we share in fact as the joy of giving is far greater than receiving. Giving in the form of dana is what Buddhist practises Dana comes in many forms.

A good example of giving is, human is just like a boat, when a boat is heavily loaded, it is harder to sail and as the good are off loaded, the journey will be easier. Similarly, as a human, we take it load of suffering, stress and unhappiness. When we share or we let go, it makes our life less loaded with samsara (suffering) that leaves us more inner peace within. And eventually when we die, we give out our body, thus we should die by letting it go too.

No sexual misconduct
It is a way to practice celibacy especially in a marriage, and the harmonious of a family is the foundation of a happy family that leads to the development of children. The couple in the family thus should practice full loyalty and trust in the relationship.

False Speech
We do not utter words that would cause any uneasiness for another person, lying carries an after effect of guilt. The guilty feeling is a form of mental stress. It is good to practise mindful speech and have a peaceful life.

No taking drugs or intoxicated
When we are intoxicated, we loose our mental health, physical health and eventually we could even be abusive as our mind control is out of control. Words that we uttered could be hurtful, action that we take may cause injury to others.

He shared with us about Mara (similar to demons or evil) who was trying to stop a young monk from achieving Samadhi. Mara has changed himself into a very pretty young lady, and Mara brought with her a lamb and a bottle of wine. Mara approached the monk seeking help. The monk was very surprised to see such a pretty young lady, as he was never confronted before. Mara said, I need help from you to take one thing from me, you have to kill the lamb, or drink the wine or marry me, otherwise I would die. The monk with full compassion heart was very confused, he can't kill, he can't marry nor he can drink alcohol. How is he going to help the young lady. Mara went on to convince him and finally the monk accepted the wine, having tasted for the very first time, he drank till he finished the entire bottle. As he is totally intoxicated, he has sex with Mara, he killed the lamb and his entire life as a monk seeking truth is tarnished and ruined.

Ven is quite funny in his sharing...some light moments like when he described a couple going for their Honeymoon or Hornymoon...hahaha !

His final sharing on the Compassion in Action is :

Everyone of us has the great potential of sharing compassion..the infinite and unconditional love. Never underestimate ourselves...

Here is the link to the calendar of his dhamma sharing :

It has been a great evening for me and I feel blessed...Sadhu Sadhu Sadhu !

Draft a post to destress

Since I started this blog, I have written almost anything that I encountered in my daily life. There are days too that I wrote but I never post, so these are the secret of my life.

Whenever I feel like drafting, I would especially when I am unhappy over some issues. I don't post them because I feel it is really a way for me to de-stress....more like ranting ! This is a good way to rant without loosing your anger...just hit the key board harder...and all the stress will be released...and feel relieved....hahaha !

Sometimes if I am unhappy, if I need to cry, probably my key board may have a few drops of my tears....and it helps too. Some friends said a good way for me when I am under stress especially if I feel like crying, or shout it out, grab a pillow, and try screaming or shout it out loud. I wish I could do that...but I am afraid my children will come running into my room to check if their mother is insane or they would be traumatised by my behaviour......lol.

So, I won't post them here, they are kept as draft and I don't know who reads my blog..just to avoid any unnecessary trouble. Sometimes I revisit those drafted posts..and if they are no longer nice to read, I will delete them. But at least, I let go by writing them. It can be funny, sad, emotionally stressed but what to do, life is all about everything we experienced ! Sometimes I feel not everyone is able to listen to you all the times, so writing it out helps me to vent out the frustration or confusion I have.

Hahaha...everyone has some secret no matter how !

Memories

Today my meditation lesson was about memories.

Memories comes in good and bad, and we should not let the memories control our life. We can't deny that all of us have memories and we can't erase neither we want to forget them. And of course in most cases, we like to remember only good ones, and also it is not good to be attached to good ones !

Speaking of memories, and after I have posted my favourite beef soup just minutes ago, memories of how much I enjoyed cooking since my younger days till courting days and finally I became a housewife.

I enjoy cooking for my husband then, he loves to eat the Deep Fried Fish with "Chillies Garam", the Melaka way (or baba style), we used to pound the chillies and only with that one dish, we were happy with that. I used to cook Dumpling, made Pan Mee and many other and always think of something of his favourite.

I always think of how to make others happy and sometimes I have forgotten about myself....do I make myself happy....sigh !

So these are the memories that I consider them good, but since they are the past now and no longer I should think so much, just leave this part of my life behind.

Actually I am a bit emotionally writing this post, just wondering why it has to happen to my marriage...my friend said "you didn't fail the marriage, he just overlooked".

:)

My favourite Beef Soup

Finally....I cooked one of my favourite beef soup !

As usual my marketing day, bought some chicken bone for soup and pork ribs and etc. But I thought I like to cook some beef soup. Met the "Ngao Sou" who runs a stall selling beef noodle in SS2. She suggested I should use the "Ngao Jin" so I bought some.

The best part is her unselfishness to share with me the best way to boil beef soup.

So here I am sharing with you :

• 1 kg of beef brisket (i think)
• 1 pc of "Tai Dow Choy" - very salty veg
• A few slices of ginger
• White radish or green radish or carrot
• Some coriander
• Chopped salted vegetable
• Fried Shallot

Method :

• First boil the beef and rinse away
• Add in fresh boiled water, add in the Tai Dow Choy and ginger
• Then add in radish
• Boil for another 2-3 hours on low flame

Ready to serve :

Add in the coriander, salted veg and fried shallot

Please see my creation, extremely low in oil, healthy and so delicious !

Getting into relationship

Interesting topic for everyone and most of us will go through either one or a few ! Some people are just lucky to have found the soul mate from the very first courtship some are true love, or puppy love even ! How sweet this can be ?? Actually not many that I knew, but in actual fact, I have seen friends around me whom have married their childhood sweet heart and still happily married with grown up kids.

So what is the secret of this successful marriage ? I am not an expert in this but from my very own experience, I feel it is all about the willingness to give the love unconditionally and committed to the relationship.

Having said that, my friend posted an article in fact a sad story of a man about to divorce his wife, and his wife has asked him to carry her out of the room till the day the divorce is done. So...he accepted her wish for the last time though he felt ridiculous, day by day, he beginning to see closer into his wife's eyes, her wrinkle and how they have grown older and how beautiful she was, something he has missed all these years....and it was too late then. So this was the topic for us (all ladies), and I shared with my girl friends what was it like when I was with my husband.

From the day we started courting, not a single day we walked out of the house without a kiss or coming home without a kiss, we even shared our public affections when we feel like it, of course there were days when we quarrelled, we probably would skip the morning one, but the evening or before sleep, we would make up.....lol. Maybe it is my character that I am impatience sometimes, or I dislike making the person I love feeling unhappy, I never want to leave anything unpleasant overnight, if we need to talk it out, it should be done without much delay.

So, after what my girl friends heard from me, they were totally surprised. What makes a man changed over night...?? The point here is no matter how great your relationship is with your spouse, if it has to happen, it will for a reason. From the situation I am going through, honestly I can't speak on his behalf what is on his mind, but it is a matter of his non-committal into the marriage, and he wanted a break away or a way-out from the responsibility of a husband and father. And to have him changed overnight....I think I can sum up the reason as there is history to his behaviour and man's ego issue.

Have I fail in my marriage, yes I did ! But it is not something that I have orchestrated it to happen or wish it to happen to me. It is something that no one would ever hope for it to happen if given a choice. Sometimes I feel I have been victimised in this failed marriage, but I do admit that I do contribute to it. Having failed painfully has only made me a stronger and wiser person, a better person to understand and make things better in the future. Sincerely, I pray that everyone will find their wisdom to maintain a good and happy marriage not this painful way that I have gone through. And everything happened for a reason...only God knows perhaps it is my good karma that I deserved to have beautiful children who love and adores me.

If only I could turn back time, I am sure both of us would try to make things better for the marriage. Perhaps over the years, we have different expectation for each other, life is no longer the same with children, the added responsibility, the demand towards our career, but unwilling to accept the fact of life as it is. While only one party is trying to reconcile, making the necessary effort, it is not going to work. To me, to maintain a long lasting relationship is the ability to see the person that you love as he/she is.

Thus, getting into relationship is about the seriousness and commitment of both that makes it work. My uncle who is in his 60s recently remarry a single lady who is in her early 50s. Even though he had an unhappy marriage but this new life is probably a great companionship and compatibility that he finally found.

I have many chat friends who would tell me what sort of woman they like...some young one said matured woman, and some older ones said otherwise. Perhaps there are certain facts that why young one like older person or vice versa. At different stage and going through changes in life, we really do not know who is meant for us until the day we meet our destiny. Even if you have met and married that person, it is still no guarantee that there won't be separation...thus, just enjoy la when is sweet and do your best to bring out the best of both.

Truly to me, it is about the compatibility and the maturity of one in handling relationship. It is about the willingness to love, coupled with sincerity and honesty of one towards the relationship.

True friendship, passion, understanding and patience is what I think that could lead to a healthy relationship eventually. It is important to leave some space for each other and not too judgemental about the person you love. We are all not perfect, it is about the willingness to learn and see the good value of the person we love and how it could compliment our lives.

Love is a gift, not an obligation, follow your heart and trust the person you love !
It's the way you read the sign that determines your happiness !

Much Love

Along the journey of my life, God has blessed me to meet you. When you said "Much Love", hugs and kisses, have a great day, short words and phrases though but it means a lot to me. "Much Love" is only two words, but I like to wish you that you have great love..be loved always. I thank you for sharing this with me, we have good and hard times in life, and you kept me strong. The road is not easy and we both agreed, it takes great patience and if fated, it is our destiny.

Many time you asked me what is that I enjoy being with you, I think I have found one of the answers.....I am not a perfect person in many ways, and your presence in my life is keeping me going. There is so much to learn and be inspired by you. Spiritually you encouraged me and I feel I am a stronger person now, things that I am lacking, I found in you to make me a much better person.

Chat that we have, we shared how we felt for each other, and I know it means real perhaps at times you meant to tease me...All those words that we used and shared simply means a lot to me, remembering the warm smile from within your heart. Your confession of your fantasy and expressions for me is something I received with gladness.

This is "Much Love" to me....

My home

It was about 10 years ago, I was still in my confinement period and we (me and my "husband") noticed our favourite property was launching new phase. And I remember those days, we used to drive passed the area and look up to the lanai window that we admired.

So, just right after the confinement was over, we went to see the developer to enquire further. We were then staying in our double storey house and decided that a condo living would be nice, and we fell in love with the landscaping and the cascading pools.

We didn't have much choice but anyhow, we found the unit that I am staying now. The whole project took about 20 months to complete and finally we were ready to move in. My "husband" was away abroad working and only spent one weekend and off again to Manila, so I was the master mind of the entire planning and renovation, everything and anything about the house was done by ME. I remember how difficult it was then, I was a housewife with my son about 2 years old, each time when I need to go out to source for the right material for the house, I took him along, buckled him up on the car seat, and he would fall asleep in the car, and when I get to the shop, I have to place him in the stroller. And most of the shops here are not baby friendly, so I have to carry the stroller up and down where staircases are. That's probably why I do have muscles...haha !

So, I went around looking for the kitchen designer, cabinets for the house, the wall paper, electrical appliances and finally the packing as well. We moved officially on May 13. Oh yes, I recall I waited to have my first maid came on board before we shifted here. She helped out a lot in the packing and setting up the new house.

I am happy that I am staying here now, the neighbour hood is better for my children, they have more friends who live in the same condo. The school is right opposite and I don't have to deal with transportation issue. If I have not moved here, my neighbour are either retirees, and have grown up kids and I am sure my children will have less friends.

Living here, we have the full condo facilities, a few nice swimming pools, the BBQ pit for me to spend sometimes with family and friends, very convenient, mini market to cater for some petty items and even hair salon and cafe and pub if you like to have a beer in the evening.

I am happy that I have a comfortable living...

Meditation Progress

I have been attending the weekly meditation class and I find some improvement so far.

I remember when I first started attending the Tuesday session, I find it difficult to settle down, and I always feel the session is too long.

Recently, I find it easier and in fact I enjoy the session. Last Tuesday, I am happy that I managed to anchor my focus mindfully. The feeling arises and passes and it is how I overcome the pain that I felt on my back, the numbness on my legs. I compared how I did the week before, it is an improvement.

Yeah...it is a sign of improvement ! I have to continue with my chanting and perfect it....

Lucky Day - Grand Prize Winner

It is a lucky day for me ! I thank my lucky star for blessing me in winning the grand prize !

What is the grand prize? A 4 days 3 nights package to Macau inclusive of flight, hotel and tour

(not everyday la..plus a chance to try out the Macau Extreme programme. The extreme programme can be bungee jump and sky walk !

This morning, I was feeling tired and a bit lazy while driving to town for this early morning tourism workshop. Anyhow, I made my way there. I was in a dress which my sister passed on to me, nice short dress above knee, with low cut but not revealing one...

I felt my dressing was a bit eye catching today...but I don't really care as I know I was dressed decently.

So the workshop started and for someone like me who has only been to Macau airport never get to tour around, the fact and information shared was truly useful. After 2 hours of sharing, the facilitator started the draw. Oh, I forgot I actually met my buddy Vivian, so it was not all so boring because I was alone representing my company. So the early prizes were one night stay in Macau at Venetian Resort and Casino, but you know these 5 star deluxe hotels are so expensive and if I win, I may not even go because of one night.

Finally, it is the grand prize moment, the Chairman Tunku Iskandar drew the lucky winner from the fish bowl....and he picked up a card and he used his other hand to cover the back of the card, so that we couldn't see. And finally he revealed, and since I was seated in the front, I could clearly see that is MY card with a distinguished mustard green colour at the back.

Yahoo.....I am the winner of the Grand Prize!

I was so excited and happy walking up the stage to receive the prize. Few days ago, I was trying out a quiz on Facebook for lucky number, and today coincidentally we were seated at table No. 1 and I won the Grand Prize...

I am beginning to believe...No. 1 works for me...lol !!

Previously I have won some other lucky draw before, like free air ticket and free night stay which I am going soon next month. So, I do have some lucks in lucky draw...

One more thing...just for the record, 8 years ago, I moved into this condo, and I thank God for his great blessing that me and my family are happily, comfortably and protected in this house.

I wish all of you a lucky day everyday....Just sharing :)

You are my inspiration

You are my inspiration

Since the day we first met

I am glad to know you

You inspired me to stay strong

Months have gone

I have never stopped learning from you

I laugh, I learn and I reflect

You truly inspired me spiritually

Knowing you is never a regret

Though the journey is not easy

Understanding and trust is all we needed

Thanks for being there for me...

You have inspired me...

A Maid's Dilemma

This morning, while I was walking, I was approached by a maid came running to me, and she spoke to me in Mandarin which I realised she is from Vietnam.  

She said, please help me.  I have just cleaned up the car but after I locked the car, the lights are still blinking !  I don't know what happened ?

Initially I was a bit reluctant or I should say I don't know if I should help.  I am more than happy to help her out, but wait, I need to consider if her employer finds out, will she get scolded for asking a stranger to help her...maybe I have a kind and approachable look...yeah !  I thought okay to help her, so I look inside the car to see if there is anything wrong with any button, and because it is a nice Estima and I don't drive a nice MPV like this, I needed sometime to look around.  Then again, common sense for any driver, the gadget like indicator and wiper are about the same.

While searching around to see what is wrong, I advised her to lock up the car and go back upstairs to inform her employer, she looked at me pitifully, she said, I live on the upper floor and I interrupted "your employer will scold you?" She said, "yes".  I know her dilemma was if she goes back and be frank to her, she may scold her as she needed to come down to check what happened.  And again, perhaps she is not having a good relationship with her employer or she is a difficult lady to work with, I don't know and probably she lives in the penthouse.

Actually I have seen her employer before during one of the morning walks...sometimes people look good from the outside but when dealing with their domestic maid, they tend to look down and give little respects to them.

As for me, I take my maid as my best assistant at home.  I must say I have been blessed so far for having trustworthy and honest maid for the past 8 years.  I take care of them as good as I take care of anyone.

Finally, I got it, it was the hazard light button !  She was so grateful....she said "I truly thank you!"  She made my day..I feel good helping her !

What Month Were You Born ?

I was trying out a few tests found on face book and this one is "What month were you born ?"

So I tried and the result show very much like me. Even my friend who knows me well said "Bingo".

The result described my personality and it is funny how can a simple test tell so much about me...haha !

Loyal and generous...it is true, that is me.

Give it a try...haha !

My cute girl

Just to pen this down some thing very cute about my 3 years old daughter.

While driving her to the airport, she asked for my sunglasses, so there you see in the picture and noticed she crossed her legs too..

After dinner, while driving home and she sat in front and when I was driving near the car in front of me, just before the car stopped, she said "be careful".

Everyone in the car had a good laugh and didn't expect this to come from my sweetie baby !

:)

Mother's Day

Today while walking in the mall, I see more "old ladies" or I should politely say "great mothers" around. Of course, there are young mothers too, pretty ones as well.

It is a scene that you will see annually during this special day for Mothers. Restaurants are packed and mostly 3 generations rejoicing the occasion. Something to note is about my school mate who appears on the Star today front cover. I can imagine her happiness being at home with her lovely children !

I was sharing with my son the significant of Mother's Day celebration. It would be nice to have someone remembering this day. My children are still young and none of them can afford a dinner for me..but tonight, I celebrated with my mom who is visiting me before her trip to Sydney tomorrow.

To me, the love to our dearest mother is not about celebrating this special day, the moment I arrived in this world, I am blessed to be in the hand of a woman whom I call her mother. And from that day onwards, I am her child forever. This motherly love is forever and unconditional. This is what I have explained to my son...hopefully he understands !

My two older children have prepared gifts from school...thanks and I love all of you !

Hangover

Last night I went out drinking with some friends from my hometown.

This is wine drinking "kaki" so we had a few chardonnay and sparking wine. And one guy took out a bottle of whisky and that is not something I have tried. I normally do not mix my drinks, but I did last night.

I have never experienced the feeling of hangover as I am always very careful of how I enjoy myself with alcohol. Perhaps I know I wasn't driving so I can afford to take more. I regretted because the feeling of hangover really got me. I woke up getting a real bad headache...

Now I finally know the feeling of almost drunk.....it is really not what I like !! I enjoy drinking in moderation in general...

Wesak Day

So, Wesak Day has arrived !

First time ever I went to the temple as early as 6.30 am on Wesak Day. What I saw yesterday and compare with the visits I made before, it is different.

It wasn't busy yet, and the place is filled with volunteers, reporting to work and getting to their duty post. The main highlight was the official from Sri Lanka High Comm came to officiate the opening with cultural dance to usher their arrival. And the queue for offering and blessing started as early as 7am.

So, what was my big role yesterday ??? It is a nice job because at the end of the session, my fingers were all fragranced naturally by chrysanthemum. The smell stays on my fingers till now....I do wash my hands ok...haha. Any idea what I was doing ? I was shredding flower petals to be placed in recycle paper packet. It is given to devotees to bring home for showering and blessing !

I am not sure about others while shredding, but I feel the sense of mindfulness is required, I was totally focus on the greatness of this job. I chose and picked if the flowers are not burned, mixing them to have a good blend of colourful petals and some jasmine just to add some fresh fragrance. I imagine the delightful faces of the devotees when they received the colourful flowers.

Next year I look forward to contribute more....

Eve of Wesak Day

I am actually very tired but this evening is a fresh experience for me ! Further more I have to get up very early tomorrow morning, so I will pen this down quickly what I have experienced tonight !

By chance or for whatever reason plus encouragement from a good friend to meditate more, I made up my mind to be more consistent with my meditation practise, and usually I will attend on Friday nights, but due to my daughter's ballet class clashed for the past two months, I have since been attending on Tuesday at Maha Vihara conducted by Brother James who is a very experienced meditator.

I was informed tonight there will be a chanting session and a dhamma talk at this meditation place in PJ, so I decided to attend. It is the very first time in my life that I have attended a puja / prayer on the eve of Wesak day. And the funny thing is this place is totally new to me and the people are unfamiliar to me except for 1 - 2 persons whom I have met during meditation class. I used to be reluctant going to new places especially all alone, but I noticed lately, I can manage and I am handle many things all alone. When I did the pilgrimage prayer, it was totally my own initiative, the same for tonight.

I feel great chanting tonight, all in Sanskrit, I would say I did pretty well...missed a few words maybe, too fast and a bit unfamiliar...hehe, excusable la ! And since this is a meditation centre, I am so glad to find the variety of publication they have on meditation - vippasana and metta and many other Buddhism related books.

There is a lot to read and I am happy that I can share these books with a friend.

Some phrases to remind us during Vippasana Meditation :

See it, know it and watch it go ! Don't hang on to anything, don't cling to anything. If it's important it will come back; if is not, it doesn't matter.
All thinking must be observed and noted objectively until it changes or disappears and then observe whatever arises in your body and mind. Continuity of mindfulness

This is something I have gotten from the book :

Vippasana - A recipe for wisdom

See it, means to pay attention to anything that naturally and predominantly occurs in your body and mind in the present moment.

Know it, means to try to understand whatever you pay attention to. If you don't understand it this time, you will later on. Keep trying, please be patient.

Watch it go, means to not only let it go but to continue to observe and know how your physical processes and mental states change, naturally. All conditioned things are impermanent. Whatever comes to be, ceases to be, this is a natural law.

Sadhu, Sadhu, Sadhu

Steamboat

Most of us enjoy eating steamboat..and it is like the once a week family dinner outing.

Actually living in a hot country like Malaysia, eating steamboat is actually not the most enjoyable, but we are not complaining as the restaurant are equipped with air conditioning for the comfort. I enjoy having steamboat during winter in cold country.

I remember those days we used to have steamboat dinner, almost once a week and we often go back to the same shop. That time, my son started to enjoy eating by himself, learning to use chopstick and I remember he could eat at least 2 - 3 servings and in particular the Yee Mee. Whenever we order, we tend to be overly ambitious and at the end, we struggle to finish ! Another steam boat that I enjoy is the Japanese shabu shabu, this is individually cooked, so you have your choice of what you preferred. Once while we were holidaying in Cameron Highlands, I remember how delicious the steamboat was, it was cooked in the traditional pot with charcoal underneath.

I have not gone to that shop in SS15 at least for the past 18 months I think, it brings back memories of those good days I shared with my husband. And even though I am coping "well" with the circumstances but honestly I feel it still takes sometime for me to recover and face my life as it is.

When one faces with this sort of drastic changes in life, even restaurant and places that we used to go do affect my feeling sometimes if I wish to return to the same restaurant. Sometimes I think will he go back to that restaurant ? Will I bump into him with his gf ? Honestly, some places that we used to go to, I only revisited lately and I told myself, life goes on and why do I have to shy away !

If I have to meet him again, it is just life...and I have my own value and my strength to live on, I am not here to proof anything but I know very well, I am proud of myself, how much I care and love myself till today.

Due to how much I enjoy steamboat, suddenly I thought of those days when we enjoyed steamboat as one family.......Anyway, I love Steam boat...and I enjoy making it at home. Most important ingredient for me is the vegetable and the soup.

Yummy :-)

Hassle

Recently I lost my laptop just a day before my long awaited event, and I have a few emails to reply and couldn't retrieve. And everyone in the office were busy off site, and I had to live without a laptop for few days.

I have been "living" with this laptop for the past 9 months, I felt really strange when I lost it, but at the same time whenever I got down from the car, I have nothing to carry along, feel very light and funny too. So for that few nights, I depended on my desktop to update my blog and chat as well.

The hassle was actually changing my passwords. I have changed most of them and I think my Skype was tampered. I couldn't log in, and I have to create a new user name, get all the contacts all over again...sigh !

The other thing I find it such a hassle is the phone bill..my company wants me to claim as I called and I need to look through the itemised billing and identify all the phone calls...It is a real HASSLE to me, and now I am considering a new number strictly for business only. Yes, I think I should do that...at the end of the month, I will hand this bill to the company !

Our modern innovated life is really dependency on something such as gadget...and when something unforeseen happened, we have to learn to adapt to new experiences...

Facebook

Something funny...hahaha !

My friend called me a few times while I was in the meeting, so finally I managed to talk to her, and she said "you got to listen to the whole story"

She added me to her facebook by looking for my name, so happily added and it was accepted also. And she noticed that my status is always busy...and I have been updating my status with something that is related to job nature. So when we spoken on the phone, she said I saw you on facebook, I said to her "are you sure?", I continued to tell her "I have never added you woh"...then she said, "wait wait, I have a hilarious story to tell"

What happened was, today she had another chat with "so called me" and she asked this person if my sister is still in Hong Kong and etc...And this person replied I think you got the wrong person, and I am actually a lecturer and "so called me" is actually a MAN.

Hahahaha....she was so embarrassed :)

Actually this type of laughter can be very therapeutic and I really laugh uncontrollably....

Lately, I find facebook is too congested and too many things in there. Somehow, I don't regard facebook as a tool to make friend with strangers. I have people that I don't know....no common friends that would like to add me as friend. I rather keep this as a way for me and my friends to keep in touch.

A great quote for the day

The past is your present,

The present is your future !

While driving home after my weekly meditation class, our meditation teacher, Brother James as usual very cheerful and share his metta and thanked everyone for radiating metta ! While he was sharing the dhamma he quoted "The present now is your future, and the past is your present". Does it make any sense to you ? Anyway, Buddhism is about seeking truth, realisation and enlightenment.

Yes, I think so. What you are now is what you have done in the past, and what you are doing now is the future of what you wish to be ! In simple explanation :)

I am happy that I am part of this meditation class, why am I here to share the merit, to be part of the meditators is due to the past or my karma ! Not necesary that I was bad, it could be something that I have done well in the past, and this life I am here to continue and hopefully my next life will be fully enlighten !

Today, the dhamma talk is about the 6 senses that is related to meditation. While we are meditating, we are constantly affected by the senses, and because of that, our mind goes away, and it is with mindfulness that we are able to bring ourselves back to focus on our breathing...achieving Samadhi. In daily life, when we are not mindful of constant changes in life, we tend to have a "immediate" like and dislike of things about us. With mindfulness, it helps us to accept things as it is.....

Another excitement is I got a volunteer job for this coming Wesak Day ! I have always wanted to volunteer myself for many years, but it never happened partly due to I was traveling too, and I am really happy to be part of this grand celebration !

Today is a good day for me, on my way into the temple, I met up with Chief, and on my way out, I managed to pay him a visit, he asked me how am I doing with meditation, I ashamedly told him, I am still learning, he gave me an encouraging reply, it is not about one to two days learning !

I feel I am truly blessed...Metta to all beings !

Why do I blog ?

Why do I blog ?

It was inspired by a friend to start blogging, and never thought of how blogging can do to one, I am addicted to writing my thoughts, experiences in life, some funny and basically my life journal.

I only started writing this life journal after 40 years, and before when I was younger, I used to write "secret diary" those that of extreme secretive contents. I think I still keep the diary, but got to dig through some boxes to find it.

With this open diary, it becomes a way of me expressing my life experiences, my daily encounters, especially writing something about my new experience. Anyone who reads my blog will somehow get to know me better.

It is about my realisation in life, meeting new friends and totally a new journey. I have never thought of being a single parent, so today my experience is about me seeking the balance as a single mom and career woman. How can I achieve the life that I want to? It is about the life path that I am taking day by day...the happiness and sadness in life, the wonderful people who came into my life to cheer me up when I am down and the love from my closest family members !

Today I am actually very tired physically because I have a rough night last night, my two older kids were having high fever, and I had hardly slept through ! Looking at them feeling weak, my heart hurts too. But I keep telling myself, I can't slow down, I have 3 wonderful darlings to look after, thankfully I have a good maid to share this burden with me.

So these are the experiences that I write in my blog ! I feel a sense of relief when I write them out to remember this moment in life.

Thanks for leading me to blog...

Money Sense

While I was out with my two older children, just before we left the house, I was unhappy with them because they have misplaced the small part of the toy that my sis bf just bought for them yesterday.

My daughter has asked me to buy some magic tricks for her that I didn't want to, but my sis bf loves them so much and he bought some for them. I know my children that they do misplace items and I think not only my children but some other families do have the same problem.

But today I was adamant that I want them to be appreciative of what they are provided in life. When I was talking about this, I thought if they were too young to understand the value of money. In the sense of understanding what money can do ! They are 10 and 7 years old and given pocket money to school, I am sure both of them understand what is important. And I am sure they have the basic money sense. What remains as my objective is to teach them to appreciate those who loves and provides them.

I started to share with them what we can do with RM50 that was paid for the toys as compared to the milk that I can get from the supermarket. It is not really about if they should be given the toys, but it is really my wish for them to appreciate whatever that they received.

I guess it is not a one lesson thingy to teach them to appreciate and understand the important of money and its value. Being a parent, it is a life long education for them. I really have to show them the right understanding of money sense...

Get healthy

I was in the hospital two days ago, while waiting for consultation at the emergency area, I couldn't help but kept looking around at everyone who stepped in.

One lady who was bleeding profusely on the nose, had a golf ball size of swollen eyes..blood all over her shirt, I felt so sad for her and it seems like she met an accident riding her motorcycle. Next, another man came in the observation area complaining of stomachache which lasted 2 - 3 days, and blood found in the urine, next I saw a woman looking pale and weak, not much of expression on her face...trying to look calm, but I know she is definitely very sick.

Witnessing all these in one night, my thought was immediately focused on I need to be healthy. I want to live a better life, not on material gain but better as in less sickness, healthy life style.

It is important to be spiritually strong in mind and our body does compliment the right mind set. I believe so and I really want it to happen that way. When I was younger, I used to go to the gym with my housemate. And when I started working, I don't exercise that much except for playing squash. And when I started to have my children, my focus was on them and I neglected my own fitness. I give all my time to my husband to have his golf game on weekly basis, while I stayed at home to look after the children. Occasionally we will go to the park with the kids. That is all I do for my fitness.

Thankfully, I am always careful with what I eat, less oil, not much of deep frying except for my favourite goreng pisang. I used to take roti canai for breakfast but I cut down and not even once a week. I take simple breakfast, toast bread, yogurt, cereal and eggs sometimes. I control what I eat for lunch, the fact is that the entire street behind my office, from the very first stall to the last are serving majority Indian or Malay rice. Only 1 - 2 stalls Chinese food serving Mixed rice, Yong Tau Foo and noodles. So, at times, I will skip or just take some fruits or if I can plan my lunch away from office, I would do so. As for dinner, it will be home cooked food, soup is the most important for my family. My kids love soup so do I. I am a very soupy person and each time when I change the maid, training them to boil soup is priority...

Generally, I am watchful of my diet and I appreciate the motivation from my dear friend to work out more, and I have started to work out regularly and it helps. I feel better nowadays and I hope to keep up with it.

I want to keep a healthy lifestyle and age gracefully....looking young haha :)

Picnic Breakfast

It is a Sunday morning that the children are not occupied with any activities.

Since Friday, we have decided and I promised them to go to the park for a picnic breakfast and work out. Eventhough I was very tired from a day out with my sister plus my son was ill last night and had to bring him to the hospital, we went along with the plan...it is unfair to them if I cancelled this outing and it has been awhile since we last went to the park.

Driving out from the house, in a cool breezy morning after rain last night, I left the windows down enjoying some fresh air. A little bit of sun from the sunroof.....but the feeling was great.

It was very crowded at the park and first thing my son said, "Mom, I remember this place, a lot of memories". I know very well what he meant, we, as it when the family was still in 'one piece' used to come here for walk on weekend. I know he has memories of his father spending time with him playing at the playground, walking along the stream, the suspension bridge and feeding the turtle. I couldn't help to feel the sadness for awhile, seeing other families enjoying themselves. I think that is natural that I have memories of the past...

We had a good walk, we talked and ran, they feed the birds, watching monkey and the children contributed some wastes at the public toilet...not bad 20 cents per entry but seems clean, and the clumsy little baby had a fall...no big deal, she is a tough girl.

Finally, we settled at the wooden picnic bench in the park for our breakfast. The maid has made some sandwiches and fruits. It is quite eventful morning, seeing a lovely young Malay couple enjoying their own 'bekal' breakfast, a Chinese young couple taking their wedding photo whereby the bride is actually wearing a pair of slippers under her elegant looking wedding gown and some other families young and old spending quality bonding moments.

It is the same for me.....it is about the bonding with my children not neglecting their childhood lifestyle. They really enjoyed themselves and I think I will bring them more often...

I am happy to have such a great Sunday morning.....I appreciate what life has given me so far !

:-)