What is my scorecard for 2010 ?

Hi there, it has been a few months since my last post ! I still enjoy writing but work has been really busy. Thankfully for this and feel really grateful !

Hope everyone out there is as excited as I do to usher the new year in just less than 3 days. I have posted this on my facebook :

Each new year is a reminder to celebrate all the things that are good in your world, the people you love, the places you are part of, unforgettable moments in life, breathe your life with a smile and sincerely I hope your heart is filled with lots of little reasons to celebrate in this new year !

I like it very much, it reminds me to look at 362 days that have gone past in an eventful ways and now I look forward to more reasons to make 2011 a better one.

What is my scorecard for 2010? I think I have passed with flying colors ! I am happy and I want to get a distinction for 2011. This year has been truly challenging for me both personal life and career wise. I look forward to 2011 and I have a feeling it is going to be a good one.

Keep going is the statement I often been told ! I believe it drives to where I am now :)

Cheers to all for a wonderful success in 2011 !

Finally it happened !

What kind of title is this ? I don't know how to title it a better way and guess what you are about to read below will explain why !

It is 3 years now and the divorce is over though not fully finalised. The kids have not met my ex-husband for the last 3 years, I think there were occasions that I met him without the kids, and I always have this daunting feeling of what is the reaction if the kids see him. I have even asked them what would be their feelings and reaction if they meet their father. The children answered "I don't know".

Tonight, my son hadn't had his dinner before tuition, so took all with me for a supper. I saw my ex's car and next I saw him walked into the restaurant. He saw me while I was talking on the phone, and he walked straight into the restaurant. In less than 5 minutes, he walked out again. I feel the kids saw him but couldn't recognise him at all.

I thought when he saw us, he might come by and say hello....sadly his decision to ignore us is affirmed by his action tonight. I think it is good as this will not disturb the children, actually I feel I need to thank him for this. Otherwise, I have to worry the post effect of seeing him again after 3 years.

So sad or so glad, what is the answer ? Or I should go to another restaurant next time...

It has happened finally...I don't look forward to it anymore. It's really tough for me, I can't deal with this emotion swift. Me and the kids are coping well with our lives now.

A family vacation

It is coming to 3 years I finally took the kids for a vacation on my own. Kids have been lucky to have great aunties, grand parents who love them very much. I planned for this family vacation since February and kept it secret away from the children. Two months ago, broke the news about the vacation to Bali.

We were away for one week vacation at beautiful Nusa Dua beach. How do I describe the trip ? It is fun, lots of laughter, also tired and stress coping with kids all day long ! Overall, my rating is a wonderful one. It is wonderful in many ways, children are seen very happy, the bonding is stronger which I could feel it wasn't there for awhile. Everyday is a learning day for me. Understanding everyone around me, coping with their moods and whatever that comes by.

It wasn't just vacation, I worked too trying to close a deal. But it is all worth it, the vacation seems like a paradise to us, sitting by the pool almost 1/4 of the day, and enjoying evening cocktail (not much of sunset) but enjoying the sea breeze and just relaxing.

Kids wanted our attention so much that Joelle sent a note to our room stating the time for UNO game...hahahaha. How could we ignore their request !? Such a great family bonding effort from her. I starved the kids without lunch on one afternoon, and they had no choice but to open up the mini bar and consumed the Oreo, but worrying how to inform me as I was out for an errant.

Little things that kids have done to make a man happy through their personal feeling and writing on a special card. It is a great feeling and I look forward to more of such family vacation !

One year ago

It was this day in 2009, I went on a solo vacation to some very romantic resorts in Kota Kinabalu. Two months prior to departure, I booked the flight and hotel for the complimentary stay that I won during my quiz and lucky draw session. The booking is for myself and weeks before the trip, I wanted some friends to join me but unfortunately no one wanted to come with me.

I think it is fated that no one was supposed to come with me. I took a midday flight and almost missed the check in time. I arrived at the airport and a local friend picked me up and sent me to the resort which is 45 mins from the city.

Checked into a very large room, a big bed enough for 3 persons but I was all alone. Not really sure what to do on solo vacation, simply sat by the bed, turn on my laptop and started to blog. I sat lazily looking outside the balcony and decided that I should just go down for a nice dinner. I was the only one who sat alone at the restaurant. I felt very odd and strange alone and I should have just ordered room service. No, I wanted to do something different and I enjoyed 2 hours dinner at the restaurant. Almost 10pm, decided to sit by the lobby lounge to enjoy the live music. Ordered a Mojito and reading some magazine under a dimmed light.

Seating not too far, there was a gentleman dressed smartly in light coloured shirt and a dark coloured slack. There was no conversation till I think when he asked me about Mojito. I moved closer to him upon his invitation and also the music was loud. We started our conversation and not till very late, we had the live band to play us a lovely "Besame Mucho" on clarinet. It was very romantic....

After that I left...I went back to the room, wondering to my self, why am I here at such a romantic resort but all alone ?

Next morning, I woke up early went to the gym and had a good breakfast and chatted with a few guests who were traveling to Langkawi next. The trip to BKI was meant to be purely vacation but since I was pitching for a job, I took some of my personal time to inspect another resort. I left in a hurry and came back only after lunch. It was a sunny afternoon, and I booked a pampering massage and finished around 6 pm. Not really sure what to eat,I walked past all the F & B outlets and I decided to try the buffet. It is really not the best choice.

Went back up to the lobby to listen to the live band and supposedly to meet him again, but he didn't show up. Guess he couldn't remember after so many long island tea. As I was leaving the lounge, I saw him. He invited me for a drink and we sat and chat with few other guests. We had another drink we decided to go back to the room. We walked to the lift and he gave me a good night kiss...and he said this "I think I will love you" and he stepped out of the lift on 3rd floor and I was on upper floor.

We had a date the next day to go to STAR taking the shuttle service as I was checking out from RRR to stay one complimentary night in STAR. Unfortunately he changed his mind and decided to stay in the resort for other activities. We bid farewell...I thought we will never meet again and it would have been just a memory of this man that I met in RRR.

Now, one year later we are together and relationship is getting stronger day by day! Our love for each other is eternally and we want to grow old together ! It is now our lives and planning for two !

Happy Anniversary !

Happy Wesak Day 2010

This is an anniversary celebration for my voluntary service to Buddhist Mahavihara Temple.

I chose to be helper at the Registration Counter. I find it a tougher job than what I was doing last year. I still remember how my fingers scented with the natural scent from all kind of flowers. It is a much easier and organised job somehow.

Seating at the registration counter, the challenges are different. Some volunteers who came and names not found listed in the duty list, some wished to change duty and some were not happy with the given T Shirt that not fitting very well. There were many sections of responsibilities and it has been not easy to really tell all what they were supposed to do.

This morning the temple was extremely high guarded by security and police as Prime Minister and his wife were the guest of honour together with at least another 10 Ambassadors and High Commissioners. The welcoming for the couple was truly Malaysian, from the native Sri Lankan Dance to Kompang and Lion Dance. It is so colourful...it is about 1 Malaysia.

That is about the front scene that all of us managed to see, but at the back of the kitchen, celebrities chef Gordon Ramsay was busy cooking very privately preparing meals for the guest of honours was told by the papers read few days ago.

What a gala Wesak Day celebration !

Most importantly is year after year of visiting temple on this special day and many other non occasional day, my faith for the teaching of Buddha and its precepts are far better understood.

Peace in oneself, peace in the world

Where there is lovingkindness, peace is found too !

Sadhu sadhu sadhu !

New Journey

The month of May has been very eventful for the last two weeks.

I have posted earlier the various incidents that had happened and last Thursday was my last day at work.

As expected I didn't hope for a big good bye party. I have been not very "engaged" into the environment maybe I just couldn't due to the issue I was facing with the management. Therefore the farewell was good that I hadn't face the boss but instead a nice lunch with my fellow colleagues. I had asked for a half day early release that took half day of my salary, but it is all worth it, otherwise I have to return to work still tomorrow.

The soonest I quit my job, my new adventure begins. I have an excited world out there awaiting for me. I had meetings that I have not had before, it is not the same thing that I have done before, business lunch and drinks with partners of large corporation.

I know from today, my life is about to change. I share this with the kids, told them Mom is now the boss of her own company. My brilliant son extended his hand to shake my hand followed by "Congratulations Mom".

I know this is a wonderful thing in my life...but reality is I still have both feet standing firmly on the ground. This is just the beginning, it is important to stay as humble as I am. All I need is the right support and commitment towards my business and I will be someone one day !

I love it...and I love you so much !

The after divorce feeling

Am I happy after divorced ? I have posted on my facebook wall as : the day has finally arrived..I am done with it.

The comments that I received are congratulations / great days ahead / way to go and etc. They know exactly how I should feel about this day.

I guess for those who are not aware of what I was going through earlier, maybe it sounded like I just got married. But it is the otherwise...I have just divorced, I ended my marriage of 13 years. I wasn't sure of what is the feeling...but fore sure it is a relief. I know I have a closure to the relationship that has turned bad and unpleasant. It is good for both of us. For him, if he wishes to remarry and settle down with a new partner...I wish him well. As for me, I want a release from the past...the rest is history.

I have so much to look forward to. The life ahead of me will be blissful and happy. The new journey will be exciting and interesting part of my life. So much about me, most importantly is I am happy mom who will bring happiness to the kids. They have gone through a rough time too...they have seen how I suffered emotionally that had affected them too. The kids deserve a happy parent...it is my responsibility to bring them up happily. They may have shadows of the past...from now onwards, I hope the shadow of the past will slowly disappear from them.

I can see their joy on their little faces a few days ago when we went out for family dinner. All three were trying to get their attention from us. This is all about parenting. I am glad I have beautiful and fun children.

I am a new person, a person who has strengthen my faith in life, a person who is about to embark on a new experience. Anything about to happen in my life will only be a wonderful and truly happy life for all.

The happiness is in my hand !

Eventful Week - I have resigned, I have divorced

It has been quite an eventful week. It is more to do with making decision. Every decision that I made will affect me for the rest of my new chapter of life.

Firstly I have tendered my resignation after almost two years working in this company. A place that I have learnt new experienced no doubt about it. Unfortunately, it is the environment and the people (not all) that I just couldn't blend in well. When I first started working in this company, I encountered some age gap, and also the mentality and attitudes toward work is far different from my previous environment. However, after some discussion with the management, I tried and it was ok. Somehow in life, we need to move on and I decided to.

Now, the next decision or rather something decided almost two years ago finally concluded. My divorce proceeding since November 2008 has called it the day. It is 10 May 2010, we finally stood in front of the judge and accepted to dissolved the marriage vow that we made in 1997. When you are the registrar of marriage, you said "I Do", at the Family Court, you declare "I do...understand". It is that you understand your responsibility after the divorce. My first experience...hahahah obviously, the court is packed with all strangers other than your supporting family members, ex husband and the legal counsel. It is quite funny that the legal counsel read out what is agreed upon the petition to the whole audience....hahahaha, and ours seems to be the longest read!

After the court announced it will be legalised after 3 months, I suddenly asked myself if I have asked for a lot from him. Sadly, I feel the whole marriage turned bad was due to financial matter. Money seems to be in the way in life, and create obstacle and trouble for many. Business partner turned sour, employer not honoring what had been promised eg.. commission and salary, marriage couple coping with bills and financial commitment..

I have a life to live with three young kids..I need to organise our lives! My ex (officially certified today) was having small argument with me outside the court room. He raised some money matter of the past, and he claimed he is paying me more than what he used to provide the house. I asked myself again, he asked for divorce, he said he will provide etc..etc..and I asked for what I feel we deserved, and he agreed. However yesterday morning in the court, he sounded like I had put a gun at his head to agree, and seem to me I had forced it. Why is it still so unfair to me ? The petition is mutual and if one feels unacceptable, why accept ?

Whatever it is, the most disheartening is he never even asked about the children ? It is coming to three years and the only picture I have sent to him is probably 2 years ago and yet he shown no care or concern about them at all. Whatever is written in the petition about the access to visit the kids are bullshit. It was all written so that the divorce can pull through as he denied all access to the kids since the day he decided to divorce.

Ok..life move on, new chapter, new job and new life. The past has its closure and it is the future and the new journey that matters.

Everyday will be a beautiful day, blessed one and a grateful one.

With metta to all, especially family and friends that have been giving me lots of moral support.

A Conference To Remember

The last week of April had been really busy for me. The conference that I have been working on for almost one year finally took the stage.

Originally targeted for 700 persons but it hit only 500 persons and it is a good number. It is not a world class congress but Asean level and the support from the local has been encouraging. The programme was packed for 2 1/2 days.

The site is crowded with over 21 booths exhibiting their services and products. It has been such a good experience for me managing the entire project. It is like a pregnancy process but it took longer than 40 weeks. So one can imagine the size of the baby "project"....hahaha! The process went through some hiccups...just like any pregnancy you bound to have some difficulties here and there. Finally, the baby is ready to see the world..and some preparation required for the labour, quite a painful one !

There is another event that I organised in conjunction with this Asean Federation of Haematology Conference. It is a CML (Leukemia) event for patients. Some of them look as good as anyone of us. It is heart touching to see how one encourages another to be strong.

At the end of the event, nothing is perfect as much as we hope it will be. We have our own scorecard be it the client, vendor, myself and the delegates. It is hard to please all, but as long as we consciously know our commitment and responsibilities toward the job that matters most. I did my best !

With metta to all !

Damage Control Day

The last few days hasn't been easy at work. It is like a time bomb, expecting it to explode and see how far the damage is.

Finally, the bomb exploded and I had to deal with the damage control. Thankfully the damage hasn't killed anyone but it is enough to keep me in maximum stress level for the past 48 hours. I couldn't sleep, I had the most worrying face and the look that one can tell I am unhappy and concern. I lost the sweet smile on my face...

The day finally came that I have to face all and deal with it. It is like you enter a room that you are about to be sentenced to death and you need to appeal not guilty. The look on everyone is not friendly...my heart felt like I will die soon.

Somehow, it is about taking some courage and face the fact. I explained what I could and made sensible explanation to all based on the actual situation. At the end, it went well...the damage control is solved...not 100% though ! Still need to do some follow up and hopefully by the end of the week, it will be over.

Most importantly...everyone is happy. Process is an experience but a desirable outcome is more important.

Good night and wishing all of you a wonderful day !

Buddha Said No !

This was forwarded to me and I find it cute....just post it here for my own reading in the future ! Hope it makes some sense to you too !

I asked Buddha to take away my 'bad' habits.


Buddha said, No.


It is not for me to take away,
but for you to give it up.

I asked Buddha to make my handicapped whole.
Buddha said, No.
Your spirit is whole, and your body is only temporary.

I asked Buddha to grant me Patience.

Buddha said, No.

Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;
it isn't granted, it is learned.

I asked buddha to give me Happiness.

Buddha said, No.

I give you blessings;
Happiness is up to you.

I asked buddha to spare me Pain.

Buddha said, No.

Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to enlightenment.



I asked Buddha to make my spirit grow.
Buddha said, No.

You must grow on your own, but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked Buddha for all things
that I might enjoy life.

Buddha said, No.
I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.


I asked Buddha to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
Buddha said... Ahhhh,
finally you have the idea!!!


If you love others as much as you would have love yourself, send this to those you know.



THE DAYS ARE YOURS &
DON'T WASTE IT AWAY.


May The Blessings of the Buddhas be with You always,

'To the world you might be one person,
But to one person you just might be the world'

'May Buddha Bless you and keep you safe always,
May Buddha's radiance shine upon you,
And give you Peace, Health & Prosperity always'

'Good friends are like stars....
You don't always see them, But you know they are always there.

Loveless Family

I was reading a book about forgiving and I realize I was overly ambitious about re-bonding my ex husband and his family.

My family is not the most perfect family, parents are not the role model of one very happily married couple, but both of them showed us love and the strength of family unity and never leave us to feel loveless. They are just like any couple, arguments are just part of being together but through the bad times, both of them have never walked out the family.

When I first met my ex husband, I came to understand his family background and the disharmony in it. He felt little love from the family and preferred to stay out on his own after Form 5. He knows very well his mom loves him but the family was not capable of providing him much to further his study. He had a bad childhood when his father left the family for few years and back to the family again. He knew how much his mom suffered when she had to single handedly managed the family.

I know he withdrew himself very much from the family and after we got married, I tried to bring him closer to his family as I believe in family harmony and closeness is very important. I did what a daughter in law would do and we had a few good years...sadly it didn't have the best achievement and I don't know if it was my fault to even bring him back to the family. Finally when my father in law passed away, it is a sight of loveless family that I see in him. Truly very sad that he chose to be away from all of us.

Now looking back at his childhood, he should know the suffering and pain of a woman keeping up with life looking after her children and why did he allow it to happen again !

Till today I have no answer to his decision....

"You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well."

Lewis B. Smedes - Forgive & Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve

Happy Children

My life is surrounded by laughter of my beautiful children. On good days or bad days for me, it makes no different, their laughter remain.

Children are so innocent and pure but they are no longer the kids of older generation. They are mature and sensitive too. Sometimes I wonder if they know what is happening in the family. The answer is they do. My girl shares her story from school that her friend is also a single parent kid.

I remember almost three years now, I told myself that the kids' life should not change. I know it is tougher to do it all alone and I struggle still. My concern is that I want the kids to remember their childhood the way it should be. Honestly I won't know what will be the impact on them, probably I will see when they grow up. All I can do is to make sure they are given the best quality life as much as possible.

As of now, I know they are always so happy, they play together, fight and argue too. Mostly I can hear is their laughter that make my day. I guess this is the best I have done for them, keeping that cheerfulness in them.

Metta for my beautiful kids always....

沒那麼簡單

I was listening to this song while working and her voice and the lyrics captured my attention. If you understand mandarin, it is a nicely written song. Life is all about "沒那麼簡單"!

沒那麼簡單 就能找到 聊得來的伴
尤其是在 看過了那麼多的背叛
總是不安 只好強悍
誰謀殺了我的浪漫

沒那麼簡單 就能去愛 別的全不看
變得實際 也許好也許壞各一半
不愛孤單 一久也習慣
不用擔心誰 也不用被誰管

感覺快樂就忙東忙西
感覺累了就放空自己
別人說的話 隨便聽一聽 自己作決定
不想擁有太多情緒
一杯紅酒配電影
在周末晚上 關上了手機 舒服窩在沙發裡

相愛沒有那麼容易 每個人有他的脾氣
過了愛作夢的年紀 轟轟烈烈不如平靜
幸福沒有那麼容易 才會特別讓人著迷
什麼都不懂的年紀
曾經最掏心 所以最開心 曾經

沒那麼簡單 就能去愛 別的全不看
變得實際 也許好也許壞各一半
不愛孤單 一久也習慣
不用擔心誰 也不用被誰管

感覺快樂就忙東忙西
感覺累了就放空自己
別人說的話 隨便聽一聽 自己作決定
不想擁有太多情緒
一杯紅酒配電影
在周末晚上 關上了手機 舒服窩在沙發裡

相愛沒有那麼容易 每個人有他的脾氣
過了愛作夢的年紀 轟轟烈烈不如平靜
幸福沒有那麼容易 才會特別讓人著迷
什麼都不懂的年紀
曾經最掏心 所以最開心 曾經

相愛沒有那麼容易 每個人有他的脾氣
過了愛作夢的年紀 轟轟烈烈不如平靜
幸福沒有那麼容易 才會特別讓人著迷
什麼都不懂的年紀
曾經最掏心 所以最開心 曾經
想念最傷心 但卻最動心 的記憶

Stressful March

It has been a very tiring and stressful month of March. It all started with the tremendous huge expenses that I had to pay for the car maintenance, maid's renewal permit and school fee and another blow on the car maintenance just last week.

Life is so tough especially when all these unexpected expenses got on me. I almost feel suffocating with the situation. Just when I thought my car is ready to take me miles without much problem, it is just unfortunate and it needed another repair.

Now comes the maid issue, she is due to go home in March but due to all this nonsense with the Indonesian maid that both governments hadn't come to agreement, we, those who really need a maid to look after the children are suffering. Some had to go for Cambodian maid that who hardly speak English and it takes about 3 - 6 months to understand each other. I can't afford this and to hire a Filipino will be too expensive for me and next option or no option is to wait for the release of the Indonesian maid and this is unknown when.

My maid is happy to extend a few months for me but still I have to pay a bloody big amount for her renewal. And from my many years experience of hiring Indonesian maid, when they are due to go home, their behaviour is questionable, they are not as hardworking and all sort of problem will arise. My poor kids are in her hands ! In any case, I have to prepare almost RM10k for the next application ! I wish I don't have to depend on them.

Last but not least, the job that pays my salary isn't coming along well. Felt really not motivating after 21 months with the company. I have been busy this month and reasons why I am not motivated ? I have the answer..Sad but.....

What to do...I have so much stress to deal with ! This is a post of letting out my frustration after not writing for so long. Wish I am writing something that is beautiful about my life but got to let this out and move on to seek better life.

Good night all !

The Lucky Ones

I found this song and the lyrics meant a lot to me...

This is what I feel about two as one and hope this lyrics will remind each other how to keep the relationship always happy and appreciative.

Honestly this is not my favourite song...but can't help it the lyrics is meaningful.

The Lucky Ones

Sometimes you're sentimental

I know exactly what to do

And if I'm temperamental

You calm me down and you pull me through

We are the lucky ones

We have one another

When the end of the day has come

I return to you

Life can be so demanding

Sometimes it's hard to make it through

It's love and understanding

You give to me, I give to you

Our own fairy tale

Our favorite bedtime story

One that we won't forget

We fell in love

We knew from the start

We'd always be together

The first time that we met

Can't forget

All alone in the setting sun

I'll have you and you'll have me

Good or Bad

Good or bad ? How do you know ?

Life is so unexpected and we don't know what we have decided upon is going to be good or bad. Recently I met a few friends and they told me about bumping onto my ex and his girl friend. I haven't seen him for some times and have no idea how he looks like now. The report I have is that he has put on weight and look a bit older. Even I had grown older now..so it is natural that he does.

My friends told me that she doesn't look as attractive as I do ....hahahaha is that something to make me feel good ??? Yes la a little I admit. But whether she is not so pretty or not, does it matter ? Now it is not who he found that matters to me, I am not the best too for him and there is no perfect in relationship. He found her to be good in some quality that he can't find in me and I can't see some qualities that I like to see in a man. He may have not lived up to be a perfect husband but I know he tried. Whether he has made the right choice....who knows!?

So Good or Bad choice ? Nobody knows really. Just live in current moment and make good relationship to yourself !

Chinese New Year 2010

Gong xi fa cai to all !

It has been a real busy weeks and I just didn't have time to sit down to blog much. Time flies, we are into 3rd day of Chinese New Year celebration and soon we are on 15th day. This year I celebrated my new year in KL. In the past, I will spend some time preparing Chinese New Year especially the last week buying some stuff to cook, decorate and whatever. However, one week before the new year, I was away in Singapore and only spent the last two days before CNY in KL.

Despite being so busy, coping with work, family and friend visiting, I had a real good week spent with family. It is about bonding and getting to know each other better.

While I was in Singapore, in fact this is the first time I visited Singapore during the CNY. Drove around the Chinatown area, seen the decoration on the street and I actually felt the mood for CNY. I read an article in the newspaper while I was there, read about the God Protector based on the Chinese Horoscope. Somehow, I saw the temple by chance as we were going for an appointment and I decided to do some prayers. I found out my Protector and adopted it and hopeful for great blessing. It may sound a bit commercialised but I guess it happens everywhere nowadays.

It has been a wonderful week for me, did a lot for the family in a very special way. I sincerely hope the children are truly happy and feel more love than before. I am truly happy.

With metta to all, may all being have a wonderful year and success is awaiting for all in whatever you endeavored.

Having an affair

I read this interesting article about becoming mistress. And I have wrote a post on similar topic before. What is noticeably different in affairs is when one is kept as a "secret" and one becomes an "open" relationship.

When it is a secret relationship, it takes a lot more for the woman to cope with having a man in her life that she can only see him once awhile. It is also more peaceful for the relationship. When the man goes home, he is seen as a responsible father and loving husband...hmmmm some times it may not be. As for the woman, it is the loneliness she has to deal with.

When the relationship is open and "accidentally" known to the family, it surely will create unrest situation in the family, shocking and unbelievable that their loving father is loving someone else. In some instances, the mistress can be as young as his children. A lot of time, the man is not happy with his marriage life or he lacks something in his life and found it from the mistress. Mistress is just a woman who happens to be hook up to a married man, she can be a very kind and modest lady who know how to take care of her man, please spare an understanding and not to discriminate.

Once the relationship is no longer a secret, I feel it is time for the man to make some decision. Some situation can turn very ugly and it maybe fights between two women or more....like those in the movie. The man will have to make a choice how to deal with the situation. To leave the mistress or to have best of both world. To have best of both world, for the mistress it may seems easier, as they have started on the ground that she knew he is married and the relationship has been secret anyway, but for the wife, she needs to live a life behind a shadow, she needs to regain total trust or just live to accept it.

Sometimes I feel if two persons choose to love in such circumstances (affairs relationship), it is best to keep it private or secret as much as possible. As long as they are happy with the company even though times spent together is short. To be able to find a person who makes you happy is not easy, why makes it miserable when you found each other ? Love is a gift...make it worthwhile when you are in love. Life is too short to love!

Just my thoughts about having an affair.

Once you get yourself stable, you can reach out !

This is something I read in the paper today and it means a lot. When one person has to deal with life situation that occurred unexpectedly, a death, a dream shattered or the family is broken, to get over the reality is not about 1 - 2 months, in fact the timing is unknown.

This quote "Once you get yourself stable, you can reach out" is a reminder to me! Am I stable with my situation ? Sometimes I feel yes but why do I still hug my pillow and cry sometimes ? Am I not over yet ? I am also confused with my state of mind. I feel I have walked out of this dark shadow and ready to reach out which I think I have, and I have stand tall, chin up to face the society. Maybe I put up a brave front as I know there is no better way to deal with it.

Life goes on and I choose a new life that is full of energy, happiness and great health. I reminded myself that my children depended upon me to be a good mom and I have to move on. Seriously only if you are in my shoes you will understand how to deal with 3 kids. Kids being kids they are inquisitive, mischievous and not all time mommy's good kids, they drive me up the wall when they are not obedient. What I am trying to say is I need a breather.

A breather is necessary for me otherwise I will become cynical and emotional unstable. I mean it is serious because at times I wonder if I am suffering from mild depression. I am just over sensitive I think, and I am not. Maybe because I am just stressed and a bit under the weather since few days back.

Conclusion is...I am stable but occasionally still quite disturb by the life situation. I have a life to deal with and it is my life and not depended on someone to deal with it on my behalf. I can share it but I shouldn't expect someone to shoulder it for me.

And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years

~ Abraham Lincoln

All I know is this is a life long journey...LIVE Life, LAUGH a lot, LOVE forever.

Metta to all who loves me :)

I am so sick

It has been a long while since I fell sick like this. This time I lost my voice and thankfully I hadn't developed any fever or body ache.

I feel really awful and tired due to the sore throat and energy level is dropping. The worst was I had an event yesterday in the midst of my terrible sore throat. I attended meetings with client and running all over to get things done.

Thankfully the event went well, client is very happy and pleased with all the arrangement. The attendance was 100%. Though it is just a simple appreciation luncheon, I must say it went really well. We decorate the place to create the ambiance for Chinese New Year. I do have to thank the restaurant staff for their great supports from the day I liaised with them. Yesterday the kitchen had to cope with cooking for 120 peoples and the staff were all smiling and yet very attentive to my last minutes request. Maybe I should mention the restaurant...AMARIN heavenly THAI.

Now, I am recuperating from the exhaustion that I have to miss the company trip to HCM. I would love to join everyone but my family comes first. My little girl is down with fever and cough and went for check up twice and still not improving. I need to regain my voice.....I need to be energetic again, that's me.

Have a good weekend !

With metta always :)

Parents Orientation Day

Today is the parent orientation day for my baby girl's kindergarten. I attended and found a lot of goodness in it. Even though I have two other older kids, I don't remember I have attended such event, maybe they called it differently such as meet the parents day, purely for the purpose of collecting report cards.

I chose this school for my little baby is because of their curriculum is different from what other school offers. I must say I wasn't fully understood it till today I have a better picture, and to a lot of the parents, they felt the same too.

This school is the more expensive than the school that my older children had attended. I am quite happy to see my baby girl's progress so far. The comment from the teacher has been very encouraging. On weekly basis, I get to see her progress through the communication book, also for me to share my comments about her.

I am so proud of my girl..it is my hope that she will grow up as a all rounder in every aspect in life ! I hope she will grow up to be a girl full of confident and most of all, a very happy and cheerful person.

Detaching soon

The lawyer just informed me that soon it will be finalised....I am detaching soon and I will have a new status written on all the forms or check those boxes that says DIVORCEE.

Previously if there is a column that says SEPARATED, I would choose that. Sometimes when the form only have SINGLE or MARRIED....hmmmmm what to fill ??

Anyway..it is just a title given to me at this point of time...what is more important is my life ahead. I choose a LIFE, I choose to LOVE and I choose a good HEALTH.

Am I happy...yes I am, after this 27 months of not knowing what will happen..finally is about to conclude. It may not be the best solution but at least one step at a time to making my life a better one. I certainly hope it will end well.

I am almost there....thank you all for the supports. Good night with metta :)

What a stressful week

I have just gone through a very stressful week.

It started since last weekend all because of the email from him, then the whole week of managing a meeting follow by the lost of my wallet on Friday.

I must admit that age is catching up and also maybe I haven't been doing this for awhile. Few years back, I have no problem managing travel related events, sleep very little yet full of energy to last the entire duration. This one week away managing on site plus a lot of running around is so tiresome.

Somehow I feel very pressured because of some difficulties and changes made by client. I felt kind of unprepared..but whatever it is, I know I have worked on it and delivered what is best. The result is not as good as I have expected...

The worst was when I lost my wallet on Friday in the middle of a very busy day. It is a full day event that started as early as 6.00am. I only had about 4 hours sleep before that and after the first half of the event, I realised my wallet was not in my bag. I actually panicked and started to look around in the car in fact twice. After about 1 hour later, I decided that I should made a call to cancel all my bank cards. Once that was done...I told myself, they are gone, lets move on and I still have a night event to finish up.

Just as I was so so caught up with the preparation though my heart was not totally focussed, I received a call that my wallet was found in Puchong. No money left as expected..but all my documents were in tact. I felt such a relief but I can't leave to collect it because the event is about to start in less than 2 hours time. Thankfully the event went well and everybody enjoyed the night.

I went to sort out the police report and tt was 12 am and I was so sleepy while making police report. The worst is driving home with my eyes half closed. I could have rammed into some dividers that night. The next morning when I woke up, I heard my maid telling my children "come lets have LUNCH"...oh dear, I slept till noon. The routine for the weekend continued...and picked up my wallet, not very happy to keep the wallet somehow, but happy to see that all documents are there.

The stressful Saturday ended with a nice gathering with my buddies who also came to my rescue because I have no money because no atm card.....We have so much fun from afternoon tea to dinner to supper...hahahaha !

Today, a bit relaxing but still feel very tired and feel like falling sick. Vit C...I need you !

I like to post this video because this is the most hilarious show I watched during the event...! It cheers me up..

I have cried enough.........

I am in this mood tonight...found this song !

When you fail

When you fail, do you blame your self or blame others ?

What would be the initial reaction ?? How many of us actually reflect before we make the first accusation ? I know my failure in this marriage and I can only learn from it.

I am having difficulty and I am not sure if there is a need to make any explanation. Two years ago was the most unhappy moments in my life. I went through the hard time emotionally, financially and almost like the whole world was against me. I quit my job, my husband walked out, accused me of disloyal towards his love for me (don't get me wrong, nothing to do with me committing adultery....hahaha), at the end it was me feeling the betrayal when he admitted that he has a new love, loss of income source, he left me with bad debts and I have to cope with life with 3 kids.

Now two years has gone, it is time to make a closure to this relationship. He wanted a divorce and didn't want any custody of the children. And over two years, he hasn't seen the children at all and not even asked about them. He pays for the maintenance while we sort out the divorce. Divorcing a man who is so cruel towards his children's need, should I still talk about the children in my emails to him ? There is nothing to talk other than his financial responsibility towards us. I know him well, he left when he was out of control of his own world and was unable to cope and very lucky of him to find a good accusation towards me to leave the family.

He made a choice to divorce and agreed to the terms, he should bear the responsibility of his action. Since we are almost there to end the marriage, there bound to be some financial discussion involved, and he finally made his most hatred cursed on me...he blamed me for his failure in life, career and everything. He blamed me for not understanding him when he faced tough time which he just left the house and told me he found someone. He blamed me for treating him like a money printing machine...when I married him, he was never a rich man's son, he drove an old junk that broke down easily on the road. I knew he was never a rich but I see the value of him as a hard working young man with great ambition. And now, the blamed is me that destroyed him.

Since the day he wanted a divorce which I accepted it, I have no hatred and anger because I always think it is meant to happen and fated. But now, he seems to vent his anger on me and he still feel that it is my fault. He even threatened me that he will cease communication with me and he could if he wants to stop the maintenance.

It is very very very sad to hear this. I must say it has been awful last night receiving this email just before I went to bed. That is life....and it will only get better and brighter from now onwards. I am determined only to make tomorrow greater than yesterday. The old chapter is about to close...I am glad.

With metta to all :)

Coping with life

Even though I have gone through more than 2 years of separation, months of working on the divorce, and months of coping with life, getting a life and etc...I realize that coping with my life situation is not as simple as I have thought of.

I thought I have come out from the problem I was in..and I have emerged as a woman who has put every problem behind and moved on. Actually, from day one when I was still very vulnerable and emotional till now, I have only moved on in a more confident way. Everyday I see the changes in myself coping with the family. Maybe this has something to do with self esteem that I had to face while divorcing.

My children is the most important thing in my life and they are with me everyday. I learn to cope with them, their demands and life. Once I thought I could cope well, and now when I reflect I saw myself wasn't really ready and I was a lot more impatient. Now, I see myself a lot more calmer and relax when I am with them.

It is this time of the year that I feel it is a test to me. It is a new start for them and they have new schedule for me to get adjusted to. I need to plan and organise for them and to make time for myself. Previously it was only 2 children attending school, now all 3 are...and it also means that my expenses have gone up.

Life is never easy...just take it easy !

A walk down the memory lanes

The last day of 2009 I decided to start the spring cleaning. I have been thinking a lot about it months ago but don't know why, just couldn't start it. Finally, I decided that I have to do it because I want a good start for 2010.

The spring cleaning is actually to remove the personal items of my Ex. He left the house 2 years ago and never removed anything. Everything was in its original place for more than 2 years. I am glad that my maid was really helpful. As for me I need to sort out things on behalf of him is not easy. When I look at his personal belongings..I started to think if is necessary to keep still if those items were never touched for 2 years ??

While sorting out the things, I came across some photos. These photos took me down the memory lanes of the time when we were still courting, various trips that we went before we got married and eventually the wedding photos and some photos with the children. I also found some documents while I was planning the wedding including the wedding invitation list and greeting cards from friends who attended our wedding.

So the spring cleaning process is not that easy and it can be emotional if I was still fragile and emotional. It is also good to do it now after 2 years and I no longer feel sour and hurt so badly. If I have done it earlier, I could have done it emotionally.

Now I am happy because I have done a major one and it is also good for CNY preparation. This exercise seems to me like a "revamp" or "reorganising" my life.

Glad I did it :) A new year with a new life for a new ME !

十全十美的祝福

I received these lovely wishes and thought it is nice to share with all of you here. Hope the same goes to you too, thanks :)

新年恭喜你：
一帆风顺、
二龙腾飞、
三羊开泰、
四季平安、
五福临门、
六六大顺、
七星高照、
八方来财、
九九同心、
十全十美、
百事亨通、
千事吉祥、
万事如意！

New 2010

HAPPY NEW YEAR !!! 祝大家新年快乐！

My very first post for 2010..........

I kept the children stayed up just to witness the new year. From our balcony and the windows of the condo, we have many different fireworks to usher the new year. Now I am no longer feeling uneasy but very happy.

Guess what was I doing about 2 hours before the new year ???? I was clearing some old stuff of my ex...I went through boxes and piles of documents and also found lots of photos, as if I have just walked through some memory lanes of our lives together. Our wedding and honey moon photos as well as many photo over the years. I also found a receipt of a hotel stay at some resort that I was never there before......hahahahaa !

It is over...finally the lawyer managed to speak to him and he is sending the documents over by next week. Keeping my fingers crossed :)

The first phone call was to my parents....and I made a long distance call too.

Once again, this is a year with great promises and dreams will come true for all !

Love and metta to all :)